Letters to Chris · Thoughts and More

Not November

I wanted to text you

To say Hi.

For a second I forgot.

Just a second.

A moment in this new time when my heart felt whole.

It didn’t last long

Reality was as quick to return as it had fleeting left.

The sadness that lives in the pit of my soul, merely taunting.

It was the first time I’d felt the need to message you

It probably won’t be the last.

I look back through old texts

Read through the mundane things we would text each other.

The silly things that would make us laugh.

I want for you to be able to text me back

More than anything.

I send daft photos of the kids to friends

Photos I’d have sent to you

Wanting to share what they’re getting up to with someone

For me not to be the only one who sees

Wanting to share them with you.

Knowing you would laugh and find them cute, or daft or both

I want you to be here to see it.

I do not want it to be November.

It takes me to a new month

A month without you with me

A month you didn’t get to see

I am being moved further away from you

And I just want it to stop.

I cried in the car this morning

Runnin’ came on the radio

I noticed the car in front had a heart sticker with CC in the middle

It made me smile and gripped my heart in equal measure

The most unusual things feel like a punch to the stomach.

I do not want it to be November

The further away I am dragged by time, from you

The more I want

Just a text

Just a smile

Just a few words

Just to laugh

Just a few moments more with you

Time, was never on our side

7 thoughts on “Not November

  1. That’s so beautiful and so so true. Even now I frequently see things and want to tell Elspeth, then I remember I can’t. I cried whenever I drove alone for months, I still do now sometimes. You worry that time will take them further away, but it doesn’t, you don’t ever forget those little things, they are always with you xx

  2. Thinking of you every day, lovely. Thank you for writing. You maybe don’t realise how much your words help others, who aren’t even in your situation. It is so important to remember to be grateful for the small things, like a text. And you prompt us to do that. I wish so much you weren’t going through this. All my love x

  3. Sending massive massive hugs. I still try to send photos of the kids to my mum, 19 months after she left us. I started my Christmas gift lists yesterday and still put her name on there. xxx

  4. Unimaginable sadness, wish we could make that better for you. May be a silly thought, but have you taken a photo of the old texts and printed out, just so you have them somewhere else too? Hoping you do carry on sharing the pics with us all, even though I appreciate we are not as good x

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