I wish we’d have talked more about death
That each time you started the conversation I hadn’t changed the subject.
I wish I hadn’t told you not to worry
Telling you we had plenty of time to talk about it
‘Cause although you’d accepted it, you were still scared of it
You still didn’t want to leave us
To be taken from us
I didn’t want to believe you ever would.
That even when you got upset,
I’d have just let you
Rather than trying to cheer you up.
That I’d have listened no matter how hard it was to hear.
I wish you’d never had that last chemo, the one that caused the reaction in your ‘good’ lung
The one that kept you in hospital, away from us.
The one you really didn’t want, the one you knew really wouldn’t work
That I talked you in to trying, just in case.
Without it you’d have been able to spend the last few weeks at home with us
Well. As well as you could have been.
I wish I’d stayed up with you the last night you were at home, just sitting
Rather than going to be early because my head hurt after news of my granddad.
I wish we’d have talked about your funeral
What you wanted.
I wish we’d talked about hymns and songs, pictures and readings
I’d never planned a funeral before.
What if I got it wrong, what if I didn’t do you justice?
What if it was all too much me and not enough you.
I wish I hadn’t text people the news to people, it’s a shitty way to hear someone you love has died.
I wish you’d have told me exactly what you want me to do with your ashes
That you’d told me details of the places you’d like some to be spread.
It’s a lot of pressure for one person to decide
What if I get it all wrong?
I wish I’d asked if there was anything in particular you wanted me to tell the kids
Something you needed them to hear from you.
I wish we’d have talked more about what you wanted for them
Where I should take them, the experiences they should had, the things you loved doing when you were a kid
I think I know, we talked about a lot, but I’m missing specifics
Guidance on how you think I should do things
Maybe I’m still not confident in doing this without you.
I wish I’d have taken more pictures
More videos of you just talking, of normality
Of us just, being, us.
I wish you’d have had time to write letters
Or I’d have pushed you earlier to finish those books I got you.
For the kids to open when they’re older or when they need you around
To know about you from you, rather than a story from a different point of view.
I wish you’d have written some of the birthday or Christmas, or any cards
To them, signed Love you Lots, always; in your lopsided scrawl.
I wish I’d have asked your favourite everything
How am I supposed to help the kids know everything about you when I don’t even know what your favourite tree was?
I wish we hadn’t taken time for granted when we were younger
Not that we’re that old
That we hadn’t put things off; for when we had more money, less bills, less other things
That we’d ticked off visiting those bucket list places, those things we wanted to do at a time we could
Because when we realised we should have, it was already too late.
I wish. I wish you were still here
Regrets, I’ve got a few
Not a single one of a moment spent with you