Grief, deaths partner, is a thief

How are you supposed to like the world when you’re not sure you even like yourself anymore.

There was a moment there the light was getting brighter,

It was joyous.

My core felt warmer, the kindling in my soul started to smoulder

The dull ache of pain that has been with me since you left was joined by another song that eased it, just a little.

I was starting to feel stronger

After a year of excruciating firsts without you.

I thought I was getting there

Slowly

Moving forward slowly

Learning how to navigate our life without you

Riding the crest of the wave for the longest time yet

With you still firmly locked in my heart

Helping me feel less, alone.

I was actually beginning to tentatively think ahead

About what I want to achieve

What I want to experience

Plans I wanted to make

About what the future might look like

Without being filled with the same dread these thoughts had caused before.

Then it changed

Winter arrived and the run up to Christmas began and a switch was flipped

The light went out.

Waves crashing unexpectedly, forcefully, once again.

I was trapped in the darkness losing you has left

Unable to escape as the cold, grey, short days worked against me.

This Christmas was harder without you than the first

Maybe it was timing, with everything much more real now than it was.

I was left, yet again, questioning everything.

Grief, deaths partner, is a thief.

It has stolen everything I believed about myself

Everything I knew.

Has left inescapable negativity where positivity once thrived.

I have been miserable.

I did not want to do anything

But kept pushing through looking for light as the darkness followed me.

I did not want to see or speak to people

I did not like them

That they are able to move forward without a glimpse backwards

A single thought.

I questioned the motives of those who wanted to make plans, those who checked on me

Feeling more than ever like an intrusion in their lives.

Flickers of light are starting to return now Christmas is over

Having taken more steps backwards than I had anticipated

January is lifting the weight that December brought

And knowledge that I need to work out who I am in this world without you

How I fit, what I want for myself

I know I have said this before

My grief an endless loop

A broken record replaying the same doubts in my mind

I need to keep saying it, until I believe it.

I need to believe I am making you proud.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

3 thoughts on “Grief, deaths partner, is a thief

  1. It’s not true that things get better this year will be worse people expect you to be feeling better they expect you to be upset in the days after Chris died and don’t understand that things will never be the same for you again having to stay strong for the children while can help it robs you of the chance to grieve when even you feel like it . Do hope you can see the way forward sure all your friends care about you and want the best for you hope you are in touch with groups that can help you

  2. He would be so proud. Never think that you are failing, you have just come so far that you expect more of yourself. We found the second Christmas harder, much harder. I guess you expect the first to be the worst thing, but you feel like you are stronger by the second and you don’t prepare so much, and it hits you so much harder. I’m glad you are on the way back uphill, but I’m sorry that you weren’t able to find joy in this December. It does get easier, I promise, but don’t expect too much of yourself – you are allowed to find it hard xx

Comments make me Happy! Like cake does but with less calories

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