I crave simplicity
Yet live in chaos
I crave calm and order
Yet I’m the sole cause of my own stress
And outside of grief, the emotions and thoughts that churn in my brain
Outside of my search for myself
The situations I keep repeating
The only things that causes me discontent
Are my own habits, niggles and procrastinations
I am a collector, a hoarder
Stuff I don’t need, want or use
Stuff I have had for years
That is boxed or bagged or piled high in rooms
Causing mess, never used
Mess that I leave and leave and leave
Mess that plays on my mind
Mess that has no where to live in this bendy walled house
Mess that I am embarrassed to admit to.
I do not want to spend my time tidying
So I don’t.
But there is so much stuff it is impossible to ignore
Everything just gets worse
It has become uncontrollable.
I procrastinate beyond acceptable levels of procrastination
I leave everything to the point I can no longer wait.
Sometimes this works out ok
Most of the time it does not.
I think the day contains more time than it does
Even though I know time doesn’t work like that.
Things take longer than the time I allocate
Because I tell myself it won’t take me that long
I leave at the last minute or later to get to where I need to be
I am unorganised
Leaving tasks and errands to the last possible moment
We are always a rush.
I know I am doing it
I sabotage myself constantly
I never learn.
I am trying to create a life of peace and calm
Knowing this will help me in my pursuit of happiness
Knowing that I have full control over the things I need to change
Yet do not seem to be able to do it.
I have had enough
The house swallows the things I need
The things I am looking for
It’s in these moments especially that I get angry with myself
I get angry with the kids
Even though it’s not their fault.
After anger comes guilt
Guilt that this is my own doing
And I that should have learnt by now
Guilt that I took my own frustrations out on the kids
Guilt that I am spending so much time doing nothing
When I know if I do something, sooner
It will all start to be a little better
I need less
So there is less mess
Less time to be spent on sorting and tidying
So I can spend more time living a life he would be proud of