Feigning Calm

Episode 6 | Grief during a lockdown – After. Looking, Learning & Living

Becky is a lone parent, mum to two little monkeys and a widow. Two years ago she lost her husband Chris to a rare form of cancer Ewing's Sarcoma. She started this podcast in the hopes of not only opening up the conversation around bereavement, loss and grief. But in the hopes that it may help anyone who is currently feeling the way that she is. Becky talks openly about Chris, her life and how she has coped (and is still coping) after a monumental loss to her family. Her life is one filled with ups and downs, this time she is bringing you along for the journey. So sit back, get your brew in hand and prepare to talk about life…After. In Episode 6, Becky talks about the Covid-19 pandemic and how difficult a lock-down can be for people dealing with grief.

I sit,
I sit and listen
To birdsong
To the buzzing of bees.
I hear the wind
As it rustles through trees,
The laughter and tears of neighbours
Of DIY and gardening.
The gentle humming from nearby
Almost empty roads.
Music drifts to me on the breeze
Floats to my ears.
I feel the sun beat down on my face
The light almost blinding
As I close my eyes to the world
Willing the heat to warm me.
I take deep breaths
Measured and even
Calm.
Feigning calm
I try to focus on nothing
Ignore what races through my mind
To try and fight the darkness
That has settled at the edges of my thoughts
The dark shards slice and sting
Distorting and manipulating the light in my soul.
It thinks too much
It feels too much
Fear runs through my veins,
Guilt rises in my throat like bile
‘Cause I’m lucky
Lucky, I’m safe and well
When so many are not.
What ifs and maybes and could’ve been
Add fuel to the darkness
Stabbing bitterness through my dreams.
I can’t find a moment alone
As loneliness spreads.
It’s not forever
Yet it is.
You’re missing from me.
Small joys hide in the fog
I keep looking
I’ll keep looking
To give light a chance.