My Beautiful Boy,

Today is your first birthday.

It has been difficult for me to think of this date, to look forward to it, to plan. Its all been a bit last minute. I have firmly had my head in the sand but the wish for the date to pass by quietly is unfair on you, we should be celebrating. It’s a date that unexpectedly has filled me with dread. A deep sense of sadness has been gripping my heart. I think of your start to life, how I woke and you weren’t there, that I asked your daddy if you had died and he just didn’t know. How you fought, the ups and downs, many downs of your first days, the uncertainty, the waiting for cuddles. What did they see in you to keep fighting for you? I am plagued by what ifs that can never be answered.

With this sadness comes guilt, the guilt I feel about my body, the one thing that should have kept you safe failing you, the guilt for feeling this way at all. We are lucky, oh so lucky. You are alive, you are one. Am I entitled to these feelings when so many other mummy’s don’t have their babies to cuddle. When there is grief and pain in people’s everyday.

Today for you my super star I will try not to think of the day you were born, instead I will celebrate the year you’ve had. We will sing, cuddle and eat cake. I will think of the way that you have brightened our lives and made our family better. I will celebrate your strength and how far you’ve come. The new things you can do and how you amaze me everyday, at just one you light up any room you’re in. I will think of your beautiful smile and what a happy baby you are. I will look forward to the life you will be able to lead no matter what might face us in the future. I will celebrate we have the chance.

My beautiful boy, I don’t think you will ever realise how special you are, you are loved more than you will ever know. A star sent to us to protect and cherish. You deserve all the joy, fun and happiness that today will bring.

Happy 1st Birthday Sam

Love you to the moon & back

Mummy

xxxxxx