22.06.17

There’s been many dates, many moments that are burnt into my memory from the last two years or so.

The majority wonderful, happy, fun.

Memories that keep me going when it feels like the darkness begins to win

Moments that the kids talk about, moments that will last a lifetime.

Then there’s the one’s I’d really rather forget

Moments when time seemed to stand still

When blood rushed to my ear and I couldn’t quite believe that what I was hearing was true

How could any of it be true.

But there’s a date, a day, a moment

When I think of it I’m transported right back to it

To the emotions, the thoughts, the overwhelming feeling I was going to throw up

The 22nd June 2017

This was the day my hope was lost

The day I realised we were running out of time

It should have been a routine appointment, scan results before Chris’ break in treatment

The day before the Party with Frills

He went by himself, so confident were we that there would be no changes

Nothing to worry about

The last 2 scans had shown reduction in all tumours by nearly 60%, things had been going well, treatment had been working on our side to give us time

Cancer has other ideas

I had promised him I would be with him through everything yet I wasn’t there with him for this

Out of nowhere another tumour that weeks before had been none existent but was now over 5cm in his lung

Growing rapidly despite the treatment, despite the chemo, despite our hope and positivity and fight.

A tumour that less than 4 months later would be the thing that killed him

This was the date I realised he could not win

That he wouldn’t win

That we would not get the time we so desperately wanted

Even now, even now without him here

This is still the hardest day

The 22nd June 2017

When the darkness won

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

6 thoughts on “22.06.17

  1. 22nd June 2016, the year before, is the day my Daddy died. What a shit day. Love to you sweetie xxxxx

  2. These dates are not the ones we want to remember are they but we can’t forget. I hadn’t realised it was the day before your party with frills, tomorrow will be the party-versary and no doubt another tough day but I am sending you lots of love and understanding. I never know the right thing to say even though I probably should! Hugs xxx

  3. I can’t begin to imagine how dreadful that day must have been. I guess fate had its reasons for letting him find out alone first, don’t carry guilt that you weren’t physically there. Love as always, and strength. And hysterical laughter whever appropriate xx

  4. There are moments that we want to forget but somehow we can’t. Just try to allow those wonderful memories shine through, to out weigh the bad ones.
    You are both such an inspiration to many, how you smiled the whole way through and shared your thoughts and feelings.
    Love to you x

  5. Got no words Beccy it must have been a horrible shocking day . I’ve had one of those days when fuckin cancer blows your world to pieces sorry to swear but it’s what it does how it makes you feel . I’m so sorry for your pain it’s a terrible thing cancer that robs us of all our hopes and dreams and leaves us lonely. I watched your renewly of vows it popped up on my fb just so beautiful and your children are gorgeous x

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