There’s been many dates, many moments that are burnt into my memory from the last two years or so.
The majority wonderful, happy, fun.
Memories that keep me going when it feels like the darkness begins to win
Moments that the kids talk about, moments that will last a lifetime.
Then there’s the one’s I’d really rather forget
Moments when time seemed to stand still
When blood rushed to my ear and I couldn’t quite believe that what I was hearing was true
How could any of it be true.
But there’s a date, a day, a moment
When I think of it I’m transported right back to it
To the emotions, the thoughts, the overwhelming feeling I was going to throw up
The 22nd June 2017
This was the day my hope was lost
The day I realised we were running out of time
It should have been a routine appointment, scan results before Chris’ break in treatment
The day before the Party with Frills
He went by himself, so confident were we that there would be no changes
Nothing to worry about
The last 2 scans had shown reduction in all tumours by nearly 60%, things had been going well, treatment had been working on our side to give us time
Cancer has other ideas
I had promised him I would be with him through everything yet I wasn’t there with him for this
Out of nowhere another tumour that weeks before had been none existent but was now over 5cm in his lung
Growing rapidly despite the treatment, despite the chemo, despite our hope and positivity and fight.
A tumour that less than 4 months later would be the thing that killed him
This was the date I realised he could not win
That he wouldn’t win
That we would not get the time we so desperately wanted
Even now, even now without him here
This is still the hardest day
The 22nd June 2017
When the darkness won
6 thoughts on “22.06.17”
22nd June 2016, the year before, is the day my Daddy died. What a shit day. Love to you sweetie xxxxx
Sending so much love to get you through to each new day. xxx
These dates are not the ones we want to remember are they but we can’t forget. I hadn’t realised it was the day before your party with frills, tomorrow will be the party-versary and no doubt another tough day but I am sending you lots of love and understanding. I never know the right thing to say even though I probably should! Hugs xxx
I can’t begin to imagine how dreadful that day must have been. I guess fate had its reasons for letting him find out alone first, don’t carry guilt that you weren’t physically there. Love as always, and strength. And hysterical laughter whever appropriate xx
There are moments that we want to forget but somehow we can’t. Just try to allow those wonderful memories shine through, to out weigh the bad ones.
You are both such an inspiration to many, how you smiled the whole way through and shared your thoughts and feelings.
Love to you x
Got no words Beccy it must have been a horrible shocking day . I’ve had one of those days when fuckin cancer blows your world to pieces sorry to swear but it’s what it does how it makes you feel . I’m so sorry for your pain it’s a terrible thing cancer that robs us of all our hopes and dreams and leaves us lonely. I watched your renewly of vows it popped up on my fb just so beautiful and your children are gorgeous x