A friend had visited the day after Chris was diagnosed.
The limbo days when we were waiting for the chest scan results.
When we weren’t sure if this would be fightable or not.
I was a bit lost.
Lack of sleep had made my head fuzzy. I struggled with my emotions spilling over and I was on the verge of tears every time I spoke. I was glad the kids were at school and nursery.
I thought I was doing an ok job to, you know, be normal, to appear in control.
A few days later, as waves of relief washed over me from news of the scan results, I spoke to his wife, my good friend.
‘I was worried about you, he said you weren’t yourself, not the solid Becky you usually are, just not yourself.’
A lot had happened in the short time I had seen him, things were moving so fast. I was shocked though about how much the crippling fear I had been feeling showed on my face, when I thought I was doing a good job at outwardly staying calm and resolute.
I had new hope by then and was feeling ready for whatever else might be thrown at us. I was getting there, getting back to me.
A few days later I was in the car, the radio was on. A song came on I had heard before but never really listened to.
‘I’m ready to face it all. If I lose myself I lose it all’
I turned it up to listen to the rest of the lyrics.
It didn’t take long for the song to come on again, I turned the volume up. Loud. So loud the car rattled and I could feel the bass in my chest.
I sang along (badly) at the top of my voice. Screaming out the words, knowing this was it.
This is what I needed, to know that I, I, would cope.
That I would be able to do this, be the wife of someone with cancer, be the mother to my children when their daddy was poorly, to take their fears away, be the protector of my family and the one that would drag us kicking and screaming through this hell year.
I would be the one that would keep the light burning.
I would be the one that would love enough for all of us, I would fight enough if Chris ever wavered, I would be positive if it ever seemed hopeless, I would be able to keep things as normal as possible.
I would do it smiling and I would ensure there was laughter.
I would take each day as it came.
I would do it by being me, being the solid Becky I knew I could be.
I stopped running.
Because if I lost myself I knew I would lose it all.