I wasn’t sure how I’d react when I saw him.
Whether I would be shocked, whether I would cry, whether he would cry, whether I would panic.
Whether I would be able to keep whatever it was I was feeling off my face so he would stay calm.
I’d driven him to the hospital, he’d asked, half-joking, if I would just take him home.
For I second I seriously thought about it, knowing how scared he was, knowing how much he didn’t want this to happen, how much I didn’t want this to happen.
Everything from this day on was unknown. How our life would be, how we would get things done was all likely to change.
But he needed to stay and it needed to go.
The cancer leg.
Because if it stayed, if he made the decision to keep the leg, and of course he could have made that decision, he could have refused treatment, then what?
If it stayed we certainly wouldn’t have a chance to grow old and grey together.
If it stayed he wouldn’t have a chance to see the kids grow up.
If it stayed he wouldn’t have a chance of cure.
If it stayed cancer would win.
It needed to go so the tumours would be gone.
To give himself a fighting chance to beat it.
So we parked up and went in and we waited.
The waiting for this day, for this to happen has been awful.
As the day got closer butterflies grew, there was just no way to comprehend what was about to happen, no way to imagine, to get your head around it.
It was worse for him.
The time came, I had to concentrate on not crying.
As I helped him tie his gown, as I walked down the corridor next to him being wheeled in his bed, as we got to the lift that would take him to theatre but was where I had to leave him.
As I squeezed his hand and told him I’d see him later.
Not crying because I wanted him to not be scared.
Wanted him to know that it would be ok.
As I turned from him I couldn’t stop a lump forming in my throat.
It was impossible to relax, to switch off, to think of anything else apart from how I’d feel when I saw him.
I drove around for a bit, windows open and music up loud. In the end I waited in his room.
They came to tell me it was done, I could see him.
‘He’s already been cracking jokes they told me’
The walk seemed to take forever but then there he was
He smiled and it was right at that point I knew we were going to get through this no matter how hard it was going to be.
Goodbye cancer leg.