I dropped it in the snow
It fell off without me even realising it had gone.
I was on a snow scooter and fell off.
I don’t know what I was doing on a snow scooter either
I’m trying to be braver.
Usually I wouldn’t have gone near the bloody thing
I’m trying not to be scared of falling.
I fell anyway
That was inevitable.
I couldn’t remember whether I had felt it last inside or outside the house.
I always feel it on my hand
I’m conscious of it’s presence.
I almost didn’t take it with me
Almost left in the jewellery dish at the side of my bed
Almost wore the beautiful feather ring my friends bought me instead
It was a last minute decision to put it back on my finger before setting off
Now it was gone.
Maybe in the house somewhere
Maybe outside in the garden in the snow.
I felt oddly calm about the whole thing
Expecting a rise of panic that could ruin the weekend
Triggering another debilitating wave.
I just knew it would turn up
It didn’t feel like it was lost forever
I know how that feels.
We left looking for the night.
The swirling carpets inside the house sending us dizzy we looked at them so hard.
I dreamt about it
Of it blowing away
Moving with the weather
Of a magpie taking it away
Of an old woman knocking on the door and returning it
Of it lying in the snow
Which is where we found it
First thing the next morning
Before it started snowing heavily again.
I hadn’t worn my wedding ring in years
I did, of course, when we were first married.
My wedding ring and engagement ring that we spent hours haggling a good price for in Dubai.
But haven’t now for years
Truth is they don’t fit
Two kids, cake, lack of exercise and age, my fingers, along with the rest of me, are no longer the size they once were
Neither of us wore one
We haggled for Chris’ too, on the same holiday, his much fancier than mine
Although Chris’ for the opposite reason, his ended up too big.
Not wearing a ring didn’t make us any less married
It didn’t change our commitment
Didn’t make our vows meaningless
It didn’t make our love less.
Our vow renewal ceremony didn’t include an exchange of rings
We didn’t even wear them on that day
Choosing to include something else to represent our forever.
Last summer Chris started wearing his again
I think he found it in a drawer we had been clearing out.
The day he died he took it off.
Giving it to me to look after whilst he was in hospital
To keep safe
We expected him to leave hospital.
I put it on
I’ve worn it ever since
Without him here it mattered
Wearing a wedding ring
The symbol of forever
Of love that is still there
A defence against judgement, questioning as to why I didn’t wear a wedding ring, even though I never had.
I hadn’t taken it off
Until it fell off in the snow.
I joked about replacing it
But it’s irreplaceable
Because it was his, something he had touched, something he had worn.
A thing in which I sometimes think I can feel his energy.
I must keep it safe
Now maybe I’ll take it off when there’s a chance it might fall off
Because not wearing it doesn’t change anything
It doesn’t make the love less.