I dropped it in the snow

It fell off without me even realising it had gone.

I was on a snow scooter and fell off.

I don’t know what I was doing on a snow scooter either

I’m trying to be braver.

Usually I wouldn’t have gone near the bloody thing

I’m trying not to be scared of falling.

I fell anyway

That was inevitable.

I couldn’t remember whether I had felt it last inside or outside the house.

I always feel it on my hand

I’m conscious of it’s presence.

I almost didn’t take it with me

Almost left in the jewellery dish at the side of my bed

Almost wore the beautiful feather ring my friends bought me instead

It was a last minute decision to put it back on my finger before setting off

Now it was gone.

Maybe in the house somewhere

Maybe outside in the garden in the snow.

I felt oddly calm about the whole thing

Expecting a rise of panic that could ruin the weekend

Triggering another debilitating wave.

I just knew it would turn up

It didn’t feel like it was lost forever

I know how that feels.

We left looking for the night.

The swirling carpets inside the house sending us dizzy we looked at them so hard.

I dreamt about it

Of it blowing away

Moving with the weather

Of a magpie taking it away

Of an old woman knocking on the door and returning it

Of it lying in the snow

Which is where we found it

Luckily.

Thankfully.

First thing the next morning

Before it started snowing heavily again.

I hadn’t worn my wedding ring in years

I did, of course, when we were first married.

My wedding ring and engagement ring that we spent hours haggling a good price for in Dubai.

But haven’t now for years

Truth is they don’t fit

Two kids, cake, lack of exercise and age, my fingers, along with the rest of me, are no longer the size they once were

Neither of us wore one

We haggled for Chris’ too, on the same holiday, his much fancier than mine

Although Chris’ for the opposite reason, his ended up too big.

Not wearing a ring didn’t make us any less married

It didn’t change our commitment

Didn’t make our vows meaningless

It didn’t make our love less.

Our vow renewal ceremony didn’t include an exchange of rings

We didn’t even wear them on that day

Choosing to include something else to represent our forever.

Last summer Chris started wearing his again

I think he found it in a drawer we had been clearing out.

The day he died he took it off.

Giving it to me to look after whilst he was in hospital

To keep safe

We expected him to leave hospital.

I put it on

I’ve worn it ever since

Without him here it mattered

Wearing a wedding ring

The symbol of forever

Of love that is still there

Always.

A defence against judgement, questioning as to why I didn’t wear a wedding ring, even though I never had.

I hadn’t taken it off

Until it fell off in the snow.

I joked about replacing it

But it’s irreplaceable

Because it was his, something he had touched, something he had worn.

A thing in which I sometimes think I can feel his energy.

I must keep it safe

Now maybe I’ll take it off when there’s a chance it might fall off

Because not wearing it doesn’t change anything

It doesn’t make the love less.