I wonder where my voice has gone
Why I find it so difficult to say
When once I was so sure of who I was
Now I have no idea at all.
I mean, I think I’m still me
I am me.
Just a different version perhaps
A shell of a person I once was.
Maybe not different at all
Maybe exactly the same.
I’m not sure which is worse.
I feel lost
And I have no idea where to find myself, my thoughts, my voice
Or if I ever will.
Was everything I believed before wrong, a lie
My reality so distorted I thought I was a person I never was
That he carried me and made me think I could fly
That I could never be good enough without him here.
My soul is the same, I’m sure, I think
Now I question everything.
The things I say, the things I wear, the things I like, the things I eat, the places I go
I doubt it all
I find it hard to make decisions
Spend hours over thinking the simplest choice
It’s becomes easier to not choose, not decide.
Grief tells me that my voice is worthless.
No one wants to hear the things I have to say
That I am not very interesting to be around
Is she still going on about it?
Now all I seem to do is whinge
He was my sounding board for little niggles
I would rant, he would have listened and that would have been enough
My life was filled with joy
With moments I could talk about, tales I could tell
Moments people wanted to hear about
We created laughter.
And who would really want to spend time with me
When he is no longer here
He was so easy to be around, it was good to be in his company.
Did I just tag along with him for so long?
The balance of our friendships so swung in his favour
Am I now just a reminder of their loss?
I wonder if I am being left out of conversations
That without him I don’t get to know about their lives
People would confide in him, trust him
I am not worthy as the same confidant
Without him the dynamics have changed
Grief is the price you pay for loving someone with your whole heart
It is the love you still have for them that now has nowhere to go
It is a thief.
It steals your confidence and the things you knew about yourself.
It makes you want to hide from the world
To keep quiet
To stay in the shadows
When you keeping stepping into the light
To feel something other than sadness
It makes you doubt
And believe your voice is not worthy at all.
Forcing you in to silence
When I still have so much I know I want to say.
I no longer trust myself to be me
It is not easy without his reassurance
Is this just how it feels to be lonely?
For the person who showed you the light to be missing from you
Am I to expect anything less when my world was shattered
Is this what it’s like to live with your heart in a million pieces.
I want it back, my voice
I want the confidence to use it.
I’ll keep living
I make plans and I do and when I smile it’s true
I’ll stand in the dark as long as I have to
Chasing the glimmers of light
‘Til I believe in my voice again