The Lost Voice

I wonder where my voice has gone

Why I find it so difficult to say

Anything

When once I was so sure of who I was

Now I have no idea at all.

I mean, I think I’m still me

I am me.

Just a different version perhaps

A shell of a person I once was.

Maybe not different at all

Maybe exactly the same.

I’m not sure which is worse.

I feel lost

Still

And I have no idea where to find myself, my thoughts, my voice

Or if I ever will.

Was everything I believed before wrong, a lie

My reality so distorted I thought I was a person I never was

That he carried me and made me think I could fly

That I could never be good enough without him here.

My soul is the same, I’m sure, I think

Now I question everything.

The things I say, the things I wear, the things I like, the things I eat, the places I go

I doubt it all

I find it hard to make decisions

Spend hours over thinking the simplest choice

It’s becomes easier to not choose, not decide.

Grief tells me that my voice is worthless.

No one wants to hear the things I have to say

That I am not very interesting to be around

Is she still going on about it?

Now all I seem to do is whinge

He was my sounding board for little niggles

I would rant, he would have listened and that would have been enough

My life was filled with joy

With moments I could talk about, tales I could tell

Moments people wanted to hear about

We created laughter.

And who would really want to spend time with me

When he is no longer here

He was so easy to be around, it was good to be in his company.

Did I just tag along with him for so long?

The balance of our friendships so swung in his favour

Am I now just a reminder of their loss?

I wonder if I am being left out of conversations

That without him I don’t get to know about their lives

People would confide in him, trust him

I am not worthy as the same confidant

Without him the dynamics have changed

Grief is the price you pay for loving someone with your whole heart

It is the love you still have for them that now has nowhere to go

It is a thief.

It steals your confidence and the things you knew about yourself.

It makes you want to hide from the world

To keep quiet

To stay in the shadows

When you keeping stepping into the light

To feel something other than sadness

It makes you doubt

Everything

And believe your voice is not worthy at all.

Forcing you in to silence

When I still have so much I know I want to say.

I no longer trust myself to be me

It is not easy without his reassurance

Is this just how it feels to be lonely?

For the person who showed you the light to be missing from you

Am I to expect anything less when my world was shattered

Is this what it’s like to live with your heart in a million pieces.

I want it back, my voice

I want the confidence to use it.

I’ll keep living

I make plans and I do and when I smile it’s true

I’ll stand in the dark as long as I have to

Chasing the glimmers of light

‘Til I believe in my voice again

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

5 thoughts on “The Lost Voice

  1. I want to hear your voice. I want you to know that you can talk about Chris as much as you need. Your friends are your friends because they love you (we love you!) not because of who you are married to. x

  2. This is so true, the grief and loss is so overcoming and consuming, not feeling like me was another element, not having anything to say – for the first few years my only topic of conversation was death and my dog! It is coming up to the third anniversary of my husbands sudden passing and I have followed your blog, it has been like reading my own thoughts sometimes, I have wished on more than one occasion that I could explain what’s in my head/heart as well. Keep getting up and facing the day whatever comes your way, your voice will return xx

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