Regrets, I’ve got a few

I wish we’d have talked more about death

That each time you started the conversation I hadn’t changed the subject.

I wish I hadn’t told you not to worry

Telling you we had plenty of time to talk about it

‘Cause although you’d accepted it, you were still scared of it

You still didn’t want to leave us

To be taken from us

I didn’t want to believe you ever would.

That even when you got upset,

I’d have just let you

Rather than trying to cheer you up.

That I’d have listened no matter how hard it was to hear.

I wish you’d never had that last chemo, the one that caused the reaction in your ‘good’ lung

The one that kept you in hospital, away from us.

The one you really didn’t want, the one you knew really wouldn’t work

That I talked you in to trying, just in case.

Without it you’d have been able to spend the last few weeks at home with us

Well. As well as you could have been.

I wish I’d stayed up with you the last night you were at home, just sitting

Rather than going to be early because my head hurt after news of my granddad.

I wish we’d have talked about your funeral

What you wanted.

I wish we’d talked about hymns and songs, pictures and readings

I’d never planned a funeral before.

What if I got it wrong, what if I didn’t do you justice?

What if it was all too much me and not enough you.

I wish I hadn’t text people the news to people, it’s a shitty way to hear someone you love has died.

I wish you’d have told me exactly what you want me to do with your ashes

That you’d told me details of the places you’d like some to be spread.

It’s a lot of pressure for one person to decide

What if I get it all wrong?

I wish I’d asked if there was anything in particular you wanted me to tell the kids

Something you needed them to hear from you.

I wish we’d have talked more about what you wanted for them

Where I should take them, the experiences they should had, the things you loved doing when you were a kid

I think I know, we talked about a lot, but I’m missing specifics

Guidance on how you think I should do things

Maybe I’m still not confident in doing this without you.

I wish I’d have taken more pictures

More videos of you just talking, of normality

Of us just, being, us.

I wish you’d have had time to write letters

Or I’d have pushed you earlier to finish those books I got you.

For the kids to open when they’re older or when they need you around

To know about you from you, rather than a story from a different point of view.

I wish you’d have written some of the birthday or Christmas, or any cards

To them, signed Love you Lots, always; in your lopsided scrawl.

I wish I’d have asked your favourite everything

How am I supposed to help the kids know everything about you when I don’t even know what your favourite tree was?

I wish we hadn’t taken time for granted when we were younger

Not that we’re that old

That we hadn’t put things off; for when we had more money, less bills, less other things

That we’d ticked off visiting those bucket list places, those things we wanted to do at a time we could

Because when we realised we should have, it was already too late.

I wish. I wish you were still here

Regrets, I’ve got a few

Not a single one of a moment spent with you

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

9 thoughts on “Regrets, I’ve got a few

  1. I never know whether to comment or not, but just incase you ever question your blog – it quite honestly has changed our family life. Reading your story has made me seize the day and whilst every time I read, I wish you had a different ending please know your blogging now is so inspiring.
    We booked our trip to Disney because of your story – life really is too short. Not only will Charlie not want to be around us in the next few years as he becomes a grumpy teen, but life is for living not for granted. You along with Julia from Rainbeaubelle really have had a profound affect on my life and how I view each day. I’m sure you like I wish so god damn much that wasn’t the case, but please – don’t ever stop sharing your story. And at least you know how Chris viewed your blog!

    xxxxxxx

    PS: I’ve written this out far too many times. I hope the words don’t sound wanky/condescending

  2. Lots of love as always becky, there is so much I could say – I’m sure chris knew, I’m sure you did it the way he wanted, I’m sure you are doing as much as you can. But I know none of it will help and you will still feel this way until you don’t. Until then I’m always here xxx

  3. Regrets, we all have a few.
    For you know you were loved, cherished and he had faith in you. No one can truly prepare or know what to say or do when someone’s life is coming to an end.
    You have photos, you have memories, cherish those and know you are good enough, in fact to your children you are their universe.
    You are amazing and sharing all this might help others faced with the same as sad journey, sending love and comforting hugs your way x

  4. Your kids will remember their Dad and they’ll know him better through you than they might if he was still able to sit beside them. Regrets don’t help, you know that, they just spin round in your head until they blind us to the rest.
    Now write that same post with all the things you DID do and you DID know. You’ll never finish it….
    Keep strong lady, you are awesome xxx

  5. You can’t be doing any of it wrong, because there’s no one right way to do it. You’re doing what you can, and making the most of what you have. Your writing is so inspiring and will be affecting many others x

  6. When I leave my kids with someone, the only time I leave super detailed instructions is when I’m not sure they’ll do the right things for them. The other people I just know they’ll look after them exactly right without me telling them.

    I think that’s why he didn’t tell you all the exact details and instructions – he knew you’d do it just right for him.

    I love your writing, it reminds me not to take things for granted and not to put things off (although I’m still a cow to my husband sometimes 🙄)

    Sending love – I think of you all often and hope you are all doing as ok as can possibly be xxx

  7. I read this with tears in my eyes and I didn’t want to read and run. It seems you are doing absolutely everything you can right. Sending lots and lots of love to you all. Xx

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