You have been missing from me
For 31536000 seconds.
It is incomprehensible.
In that moment all those seconds ago
I couldn’t imagine surviving a single second without you
Couldn’t imagine a second of life with you not here.
I had never let myself think about it
I had never believed we would have too
Even when I knew we would have to.
Now we have got to this point
I’m not sure where the time went in between
Then and now
Our final first.
There’s not a single second passed when I haven’t thought of you.
You fill every waking moment of my mind
And many sleeping moments too
Wondering what you would say or think
Whether you would enjoy something
Or how much moaning you would do
We know you weren’t happy unless you were being grumpy about something.
Not a single second has passed without me remembering you.
The things you did
The memories we made
And how you could always make me laugh.
We spend many seconds talking about you.
The kids tell me tales of what they love about you
And what they miss about you
I tell them how much you love them
How they are your pride, your joy
How you were the most amazing daddy.
Not a single second I haven’t hated parenting without you.
Wishing you were here so I didn’t have to do this all alone.
Not a single second has passed without me wanting to speak to you.
So I can tell you about my day,
Or the daft things the kids have done
To be able to ask your advice, but ignore it anyway.
Not a second without me wanting to hear you again
Of needing more time, with you.
There have been seconds I’ve forgotten
That you are gone.
Because how can you really be gone?
The moments I remember is like losing you all over again.
In these seconds we have learnt a lot
That we are stronger than we ever thought possible
That in the darkness we can find light.
That we are surrounded by the most amazing people
Who help us more than they’ll ever realise.
Some seconds I wonder how we have got through each day
How we have survived.
I wonder how we will get through any more seconds without you.
Knowing that we will
Because that’s what you wanted
And I want to make you proud.
I will never fully understand why this had to happen to you
Or fully comprehend a world without you in it
There’s not a single second I haven’t wished you were still here.
I have loved you each of those 31536000 seconds
Missed you for 31536000 seconds
I will miss you for every single second yet to come
And love you even longer than that