31536000 Seconds

You have been missing from me

From us

For 31536000 seconds.

It is incomprehensible.

In that moment all those seconds ago

I couldn’t imagine surviving a single second without you

Couldn’t imagine a second of life with you not here.

I had never let myself think about it

I had never believed we would have too

Even when I knew we would have to.

Now we have got to this point

I’m not sure where the time went in between

Then and now

Our final first.

There’s not a single second passed when I haven’t thought of you.

You fill every waking moment of my mind

And many sleeping moments too

Wondering what you would say or think

Whether you would enjoy something

Or how much moaning you would do

We know you weren’t happy unless you were being grumpy about something.

Not a single second has passed without me remembering you.

The things you did

The memories we made

And how you could always make me laugh.

We spend many seconds talking about you.

The kids tell me tales of what they love about you

Everything

And what they miss about you

Everything.

I tell them how much you love them

How they are your pride, your joy

How you were the most amazing daddy.

Not a single second I haven’t hated parenting without you.

Wishing you were here so I didn’t have to do this all alone.

Not a single second has passed without me wanting to speak to you.

So I can tell you about my day,

Or the daft things the kids have done

To be able to ask your advice, but ignore it anyway.

Not a second without me wanting to hear you again

Of needing more time, with you.

There have been seconds I’ve forgotten

That you are gone.

Only briefly.

Because how can you really be gone?

The moments I remember is like losing you all over again.

In these seconds we have learnt a lot

That we are stronger than we ever thought possible

That in the darkness we can find light.

That we are surrounded by the most amazing people

Who help us more than they’ll ever realise.

Some seconds I wonder how we have got through each day

How we have survived.

I wonder how we will get through any more seconds without you.

Knowing that we will

Because that’s what you wanted

And I want to make you proud.

I will never fully understand why this had to happen to you

Or fully comprehend a world without you in it

It’s. Unbelievable.

There’s not a single second I haven’t wished you were still here.

I have loved you each of those 31536000 seconds

Missed you for 31536000 seconds

I will miss you for every single second yet to come

And love you even longer than that

Always.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

7 thoughts on “31536000 Seconds

  1. Your blogs make me feel very humble the way you cope and manage to get your thoughts down .thinking about you all today which will be very tough you have had a year of first to get through .this been the last one

  2. Everything everyone tells you about grief is so true, but you don’t understand just how long forever feels until you live it. We lost a child, but we were able to do it together, losing your partner must be so incredibly hard and you really have done fantastically. He will be proud, but so should you be. Each one of those seconds, you kept going. Love to you guys today, and everyday – and the strength you need to carry on xx

  3. Thinking of you so much. I wish I had the right words to say to you. But I think you’re incredible and I bet he would be so proud of all you are doing. Sending you the tightest hug. Xxxxxxx

  4. You have a way with words, I think the Moto is, treasure every second you have with your loved ones, every second lost cannot be retrieved.

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