How are you supposed to like the world when you’re not sure you even like yourself anymore.
There was a moment there the light was getting brighter,
It was joyous.
My core felt warmer, the kindling in my soul started to smoulder
The dull ache of pain that has been with me since you left was joined by another song that eased it, just a little.
I was starting to feel stronger
After a year of excruciating firsts without you.
I thought I was getting there
Moving forward slowly
Learning how to navigate our life without you
Riding the crest of the wave for the longest time yet
With you still firmly locked in my heart
Helping me feel less, alone.
I was actually beginning to tentatively think ahead
About what I want to achieve
What I want to experience
Plans I wanted to make
About what the future might look like
Without being filled with the same dread these thoughts had caused before.
Then it changed
Winter arrived and the run up to Christmas began and a switch was flipped
The light went out.
Waves crashing unexpectedly, forcefully, once again.
I was trapped in the darkness losing you has left
Unable to escape as the cold, grey, short days worked against me.
This Christmas was harder without you than the first
Maybe it was timing, with everything much more real now than it was.
I was left, yet again, questioning everything.
Grief, deaths partner, is a thief.
It has stolen everything I believed about myself
Everything I knew.
Has left inescapable negativity where positivity once thrived.
I have been miserable.
I did not want to do anything
But kept pushing through looking for light as the darkness followed me.
I did not want to see or speak to people
I did not like them
That they are able to move forward without a glimpse backwards
A single thought.
I questioned the motives of those who wanted to make plans, those who checked on me
Feeling more than ever like an intrusion in their lives.
Flickers of light are starting to return now Christmas is over
Having taken more steps backwards than I had anticipated
January is lifting the weight that December brought
And knowledge that I need to work out who I am in this world without you
How I fit, what I want for myself
I know I have said this before
My grief an endless loop
A broken record replaying the same doubts in my mind
I need to keep saying it, until I believe it.
I need to believe I am making you proud.