I think I feel too much.

I know I sound really knobby saying that but I really do.

Not all the time. Most of the time I feel as much as what I imagine everybody else feels. Every so often I think I feel too much, the feeling turns to worry and then I just get in a funk. An unexplainable funk that creeps up on me and once I’m in it, I’m in it. I don’t know what puts me in it, I don’t know what gets me out. Sometimes the creeping has a build up, sometimes it’s sudden, when it decides to leave it leaves suddenly like nothing has happened.

I used to think it was because I was a Gemini. You know, 2 sides. Generally I’m a happy-go-lucky kind of gal. Most of the time I’m up. Then every so often I’m on a complete downer. I have no in-between. I’m either really up there or really down there.

Right now I’m nearly down there. Not quite but nearly. I can feel it. I can’t stop thinking. Maybe that’s the trigger. The more I think, the more I feel, the more I feel, the more I worry about what I’m thinking about, the more I worry, the further down there I am. Thinking is a pretty dangerous thing for me it seems!

I worry about stuff that’s out of my control.

I worry about the kid and how her life will be. Not just think about these things, I worry. Like my heart hurts worry. I think about how she’ll be as a teenager and hope, pray that she’ll make a better go of it than I did.

I worry something horrible, uncontrollable will happen to someone I love. I worry if this happens how I’ll cope, if I’ll cope. If they get sick or have an accident or something

I worry something will happen to me and if it does if the kid will remember me. I think this is why I’m so obsessed with making sure memories are collected, photos, notes and keepsakes of places we visit.

I worry I’m a bad mum, but don’t know how to change to be a good mum.

I worry about things that happened in my past. I have flashes of embarrassing things I’ve done, or have happened, things I regret and things that made me unhappy. Not recent things, things from being a teenager, things from primary school, things from years ago. Things I should not be worrying about and things that are in the past for a reason.

I worry about upsetting people and them feeling they’re not able to turn to me if they need me.

I worry about my friends lives being ok. I worry I don’t keep in touch enough.

I worry my house is a complete shit tip, yet do nothing to sort it.

I worry about characters in TV programmes. I shit you not. I worry about fictional characters. I worry that Meredith will lose the baby in Greys, that Rae & Fin won’t end up together in My Mad Fat Diary, that Coach Taylor won’t win a game with the East Dillon lions in Friday Night Lights and that Kevin Bacon will have a heart attack in The Following. Seriously this kind of shit keeps me up at night!!

I worry about everything!

You may say that everybody has these worries and they probably do. I know they’re not unusual things to worry about. Within reason. I know deep down that really my life is fairly simple and I don’t really have that much stress. This is why I think I feel too much. When I do start, I think and worry about everything all at the same time. I work myself up so much that I can’t think about anything else. The thoughts consume me and then I feel too much. My heart actually hurts. I’m not sure if this is strictly possible but that’s how I feel. Everything is magnified.

Mr C knows, he used to ask constantly if I was ok. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being asked what’s wrong, when what you’re actually thinking is totally irrational and not something that is easily explained. Now he lets me moan if I want and lets me be quiet if I want ’cause he knows it won’t last long and he can cope with me being a complete moody arse for a bit and like I said it’s not that often, although it’s always there.

Maybe I should stop thinking.

That might be a plan.