I’ve sat and stared at this page for longer than I should. With words, thoughts, racing round my brain with no way of escaping in a logical or coherent way.
It’s late and I really should be in bed, instead I’m here staring at this page.
A Blank page.
With no idea what will fill it.
Which is apt with the imminent close of this year and the beginning of the next.
My blank page, like a new year.
Pages waiting for words, days waiting to be lived.
This time of year is always a time for reflection. Looking back on times of joy, times of sadness, days enjoyed, days wasted. Things we want to change, do better at, be better at, do more of, less of, resolutions to make, then break or keep if we really put our minds to it.
A time for excitement at the speculation of what’s to come, what we can do to fill the new year with memories, holidays, good times, making it the best one yet, better than the 365 days we have just lived.
This year ends for me, for us, our family, not with the excitement of possibilities, but knowing parts of our new year going temporarily on hold. Not with thoughts of holidays or plans but with uncertainty.
Things we may have wanted to achieve and change can wait.
There is fear of the unknown, of what’s to come, of feelings that we just need to get through it.
The new year will bring the reality that cancer is now part of our lives. The lovely bubble we were in ensuring our beautiful kiddies made good memories over Christmas has well and truly burst.
For Mr C a year to fight. His biggest challenge to date.
A year of hospital stays, being away from us, side effects, being scared, weakness, illness, hair loss, amputation, adjustment.
A year of trying to stay positive when he can’t see an end.
A year of not giving up.
For our treasures, a year I promise to aim to keep as normal as possible for.
A year of magical cuddles, of talking, of listening, of adjustment to changes in daddy, a year still of fun.
I promise you fun.
For Me a year to fight, to support, to worry, to fear, to hope, to care, to keep faith.
A year of hospital drop offs and picks ups, hospital visits, of doing, of keeping things normal for our 2 treasures, of working, of ignoring the negativity, ignoring the voice that screams about the unfairness of it all, ignoring the why us, why him.
A year of staying positive.
A year to love more fiercely than any other.
A year of standing in the darkness, searching for the light when it feels like an everlasting night.
‘Cause there will be light.
It might not be very often, we can’t plan for when it will be but we will make the most of it when it comes.
We will make memories and have good days in amongst the bad. There will be fun and happiness in the sadness.
We will laugh and we will cry.
We will hold each other tight.
We will stand up to fight and we will smile.
There really is no other option. No other choice.
As the year ends and the new one begins, make resolutions not about money, or wealth, being skinny, reading more books or new hobbies.
Make resolutions to love, to visit, to be with those that matter most to you.
Life is short and can be fucking cruel.
Make resolutions that ensure laughter and good times and memories.
Make resolutions to live each day to its fullest.
This time next year I will do the same.
We will dance in the rain and look for rainbows.
We will stand in the storm and we will shine.
He will fight.
He will bloody shine.