If it were me

I try not to question why. Why out of all the people in the world this is happening to him.

In dark moments it’s really hard not to ask, not to try to dissect the situation, pull it apart, look at whether something could have been done sooner to make it less, serious, less, life changing.

It’s a question with no answer.

Its only purpose when it pops into my brain is to keep me awake at night and to try to make me bitter and angry at the world. And what good will that do anybody.

So I try not to ask it and quickly push it away when it rears its ugly head.

I embrace the positivity where I find it and quickly rid myself, my thoughts, of negativity.

Recently though another thought has entered my brain.

I wonder, often, if this would be easier if it were me.

Not in a, I could cope with this better, kind of way. I couldn’t. Chris is one of, if not the most mentally strong people I have ever met.

Maybe in a, I can’t stand to see him going through this and want to take some of it away to make it a bit easier, kind of way.

No one wants to see the person they love (see PDA again Chris) having the life zapped out of them every 3 weeks in a bid to give him a life to live after this.

But I think that life wouldn’t change so much if this were happening to me.

He worries that the loss of his leg will restrict him from doing some of the things that he loves.

It’s not unrealistic to think that things will be harder. I am already noticing things that will be restrictive.

He’s so sporty and active and outdoorsy, he’s the one that gets down on the floor and play fights with the kids, he’s the one that takes Lily on bike rides and plays football with her in the garden, he drives a van for a living, he’s the one that stands in the kitchen and cooks for us, who puts things in the loft and moves the heavy stuff.

In time he will be able to do these things again, in time.

He’s not a very patient man though and I worry he’ll be too hard on himself if he struggles to do things he used to find simple.

I’m not sporty, I have no desire to run a marathon, go the gym, do a triathlon, cycle across the country or play any type of team sport.

It would impact my life of course but I would not miss it like he will.

I worry that I am not up for the job of pulling us through.

I’m not a good cook, I’m not very strong physically, I’m useless at DIY, I am the queen of procrastination and things already get left with both of us able, I am unfit.

I will need to step up my game but I just don’t know if I can.

I know if it were me he would be able to do all of this and more.

He would be able to keep things normal.

I worry that I will fail.

So I wonder and I always will, if this would be easier if it were me.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

4 thoughts on “If it were me

  1. Becky this made me cry! I went to high school with Chris but haven’t seen him since, but have been following your blog and have messaged him to give our love and luck.
    You will step up and you will be great, from what I see and read you already are! Xx

  2. It must be a very, very difficult time for you all. I hope that in the end it’ll all be worth it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of how strong you all were as a team x

  3. I think its so normal to wish you could take on something so awful as that for your most loved one. I hope the next few weeks go easy on you although I can imagine it must be all you think about. Lots of love and wishing strength for you all xx

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