I wasn’t ready last year.

To celebrate Sams birthday.

I didn’t want to think about it, the date. Didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened, what he went through.

The run up made me feel anxious, sick and teary.

I wanted to forget.

Forget about his traumatic entrance in the world.

Forget my body failed him.

Forget I couldn’t hold him.

Forget we nearly lost him.

It was still too raw.

I let the day pass with little fuss, little celebration. A few of our friends joined us for a trip to the park on the anniversary of the day he was warmed up. His unofficial birthday.

This year, this year I was ready.

Knowing that he is doing ok, that his development is fine, that he is thriving even if slightly on the small side.

Time is a great healer.

It is easier to put to the back of my mind what happened to him, now he has been in our lives 2 years.

He is growing into a tiny terror of a toddler, who is stubborn, funny, cheeky, bright, loving and a real joy to be around.

His happiness is infectious, his smile fills his face and can change your mood in an instant.

He was sent to us from the stars to bring us joy.

I am biased but he is beautiful.

Our little ray of sunshine.

These are the things that now consume my thoughts.

They are slowly softening the edges of harsh memories and images of his stay in NICU.

I was able to plan his birthday, to think of the day, the actual day, with joy and excitement, for him.

I chose balloons and cake and presents, this year knowing what he loves, what will make him smile. All Lightening McQueen (Lily now knows all the words to Cars)

Still no lavish party, a day at the zoo and then friends and family for cake when we got home.

This year I was able to let go, a little, of the fear that had previously consumed me.

This year I wanted to celebrate him being in our lives. I wanted a happy day, a day of making memories.

I wanted to find the joy, for me, for him, for us.

I’m pretty sure I succeeded.

Happy Birthday Super Boy

We love you very much