I made my daughter cry.
My heart was broken and I was breaking hers.
To make sure she would be able to deal with what the future might hold.
Because I had promised her a year ago I would always be honest with her.
So she knew what was going on, in the hope that she would worry less.
‘My eyes sometimes get tears in mummy’
‘It’s ok to be sad’ I told her, ‘It’s a sad day’
I held her as she sobbed and I cried too.
Less than 2 hours before we had been told that Chris’ cancer had returned.
That there was a large tumour in his back and also 2 tumours in his lungs.
That the speed of reoccurrence so soon after finishing treatment and the rapid growth of the tumour in his back was extremely worrying.
That it was unlikely there would be a cure.
That treatment would start again straight away, with the hope to control the disease.
I had to tell her daddy’s cancer was back.
That he had to have chemo again.
That we hoped the chemo would work.
We will always hope.
But that it might not work which meant the cancer wouldn’t go away.
Through tears she asked why this was happening to her daddy.
Cried that is wasn’t fair.
That is was scary.
That she hated cancer.
That cancer was a stupid idiot.
I held her and I told her she was right.
I hugged her and cried with her
And told her it was ok to be sad.
That she could ask me any questions and I would try to answer.
Promised her I would always be honest with her.
Let her know that there was lots of people she could talk to.
That is was ok to be angry.
That it is ok to be happy.
That we will still laugh.
That I loved her very much
I held her and I agreed.
Cancer is a stupid idiot.