The Opposite of Easy

It’s been hard

Hard to watch him in so much pain.

Hard to see his face contort in anguish as he struggles to find comfort.

Unable to find any relief.

Unable to get a break.

The tumour in his back now pushing on nerves.

‘Causing pins and needles then shooting pains thorugh his body, to the leg that is no longer there.

Hard to hear him describe the feeling as if someone was pouring boiling water all over his body, he was being attacked with hot pokers.

Hard to watch a man who was so independent even with one leg, just a week a go, become, dependent.

To go from using crutches to get about easily, to now be totally reliant on his wheelchair, even in the house.

To lose so much strength in his leg in such a short amount of time.

A man who was so strong.

Who can no longer even get upstairs to bed.

It causes too much pain, uses too much energy.

Pain that is exhausting yet has kept him awake at night.

Hard to stay positive, see the light when the darkness is trying to consume him.

I hope the visit from the pain team yesterday and a change in medication will help.

That the chemo will relieve the pressure.

That he will get some comfort.

That he will be able to rest.

Ready for the new battle.

It’s out of my control, I cannot take the pain away, cannot use reassuring words to make him feel any better.

I have been a little lost.

I’m waiting, hoping, it’ll get a little easier.

It’s been hard to watch.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

12 thoughts on “The Opposite of Easy

  1. Becky, there really are no words that I can say that will make you feel better, I wish there was. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is at the moment and I hope and pray things do get easier for you all. Sending lots of love and hugs xx

  2. Oh Becky I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you to watch and feel helpless. You are in my thoughts every day. I hope Chris can find some relief in a change of medication xx

  3. Becky I’m sorry to read this. I really hope they find some decent pain relief for Chris and he gets some relief so he can rest. I can’t say anything to help you or to make you feel better just know I often think of you all and am sending love and positive thoughts your way xx

  4. I am reading your blog for the first time and are moved by your words, partly for their eloquence but partly because of the parallels for me. My husband’s cancer has returned quickly. I have recently told my children the honest and desperate news. I have similar feelings about the care I have from my friends, and how much they mean to me. I fear what you are experiencing – seeing my once vital husband broken and in pain. My thoughts are with you x

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