I no longer hold my breath.
I don’t wish nor hope for the best.
I no longer think there’ll be good news,
That our luck will change.
I don’t think much past the second, the hour, the day at hand,
The moment I’m currently living.
I don’t visualise good outcomes,
Or how our lives will be when this is all over.
Because it won’t be.
I’ve done that before and I was left;
I’ve been a part of too many life altering moments.
I’ve been on the wrong end of too much life changing news.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not negative, far from it.
I am positive.
Positive about moving forward,
Positive about cancer not stealing my life, our normality,
Positive about making the most of each day,
Positive about taking this hand we’ve been dealt and making the most of it,
Not taking a single second for granted.
Positive about filling our lives with amazing people and making amazing memories.
Surrounding ourselves with love and kindness and happiness.
Positive about never giving up,
Positive about filling our lives with laughter.
Now I take deep breaths.
You won’t notice, because my breathing is the same as yours.
I breathe deep to steady myself.
I take a deep breath and I prepare for the worst,
I imagine the worst news, the worst possible outcome.
I picture myself in dark moments,
Imagining the worst,
So I’m never again shaken or shocked.
So I never have to call my dad again and sob down the phone leaving him, helpless.
So I’m ready,
Ready to react.
So I can deal with whatever is thrown our way.
Anything other than what I’ve imagined myself experiencing, than the worst, is a bonus.
Last week we heard that the chemo treatment Chris is having at the moment looks to be working.
Looks to be controlling the rapid growth of his tumours.
We couldn’t have wished for better news.
I felt myself tearing up when they told us,
Caught the lump in my throat.
I was ecstatic, I really was, but you’d have never known.
‘Cause I was busy taking deep breaths.
So I don’t lose focus,
Focus on getting us through each day.
Knowing that this could change at any moment.
Because cancer is unpredictable and it doesn’t care if you’ve had good news before or you were planning and looking forward to the future.
I breathe deep so that when someone asks me if I’m ok I can answer them honestly.
Yes, I am fine.
I am fine because my breathing is steady
And I am in control even though I have no control.
I breathe deep so I don’t lose myself.
So I can be the best version of myself.
Because that is what I deserve.
Because that is what I need.
To enjoy being me and enjoy our life in spite of the shit.
So I breathe deep
And I live in the light.