Then Before Now

Sometimes I miss my life

Life before all of this

Our life then

The feeling of loss catches me off guard

It becomes overwhelming

The loss of then, the loss of dreams

The simplicity of our existence

I miss my worries being forgettable

I miss carefree days that didn’t feel wasted

I miss not feeling guilty for going out

I miss having someone else to blame for the house being a mess

I miss having someone to carry the heavy stuff

I miss being spontaneous, now most things need a plan

I miss his smile reaching his eyes

I miss feeling in control

I miss feeling like I’m useful

I miss having the right words to help

I miss believing in forever

I miss thinking things will get better

I miss believing we’d grow old and greyer together

I miss the ease of how things were

I miss not knowing about cancer

I miss my heart not hurting

I miss not having to think

About time

About its limitations

About how it will run out

Sooner than is comprehensible

I feel, guilty

Guilty for missing these things

For missing then

When I need to squeeze every last drop of joy

Out of now

We need to live this life

Happily and fully

For as long as we can.

It seems so long ago

Then before now

So different

Not all bad

At the core the same

Same love

Same laughter

Same togetherness


Sometimes I miss my life then

But I’ll keep making sure I find happiness

In this life now.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

6 thoughts on “Then Before Now

  1. Becky you are amazing. All of you. Your attutude to life and everything that has happened – just awesome. Keep on making those memories lovely lady. Big hugs xxx

  2. I showed one of your lovely smiley Insta family pics to my husband the other day, and said how amazing, how strong you are being through the tough times, and that everyone should live by your example. But I can totally see how tiring and wearing it must be to keep on trying to put a brave face on. I imagine you are doing it for your children, and for your husband, but I’m sure they are all just so proud and full of love for you. You can only do what you can do; hoping you have good local support to pick you up and help carry you on at those times when you need it most xx

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