Driving home was the hardest part.

That was the time I’d usually give you a quick call

Trying to get through the traffic of a city centre

To say hello.

Because those few minutes not getting anywhere are pretty boring.

I’d ask about your day

What you’d been up to

How you were feeling

If anyone had popped round or if you’d been out.

Even though I’d probably already know this, I’d have text you a few times already

And probably spoke to you when I was on my lunch.

I’d tell you about my day

If it was busy, how I’d got on

Whether it was hard or not.

I’d find out what the kids were up to

If they were being good

We’d decide what we were having for tea

If I needed to call anywhere on the way home.

We’d talk about things we’d seen

Or if either of us had any ‘goss.’

We would make plans for the night

Or decide what was happening if one of us was nipping out.

Mundane stuff

Just a quick chat that probably could’ve waited ‘til I got home

Much of which was probably repeated when I got home.

A take for granted call I didn’t realise I would miss so much

A call as I was stuck in traffic trying to get home to you.

Driving home and not being able to call you was the hardest part.

I had survived getting up in the morning

Getting the kids up and getting out the door early

I had survived the traffic.

I had survived getting into work

Sitting down at a desk and turning on my laptop

I had survived the day.

I had remembered my password

I have to write everything else down now, little notes so I don’t forget what I’m supposed to be doing, where we’re supposed to be going, things I should be doing, bits I need to pick up

I can no longer remember simple daily things

But the password I have not used for 6 months came to me with ease.

I remembered how to log on

The systems I have to use

The basics of the job I do.

It came flooding back like I had never been away

It was comforting and awful at the same time.

So much has changed in my life

Everything has changed in my life.

The things I need to deal with, my thoughts and feelings, the fundamentals of my family, my life without you.

Yet here I was, remembering my password as if nothing had changed at all.

As if no time had passed.

There were reminders of you all over my screen

Dates, emails, spreadsheets, information, all from a time you were here

From a time I was whole

A time I was me.

I survived it all.

My return to work is phased, I am easing myself back in

Easing myself back into this new juggle as a parent by myself with a full-time job.

I am lucky I am so supported

That they are trying to make this transition as stress free as possible

I am lucky I was able to have this time off without having to worry about money

Although I do worry about that, all the time.

But not lucky

‘Cause a really shit thing happened

Because I couldn’t even think about getting up and going to work

Because in the beginning I could only think about getting through each minute of each day

Because I lost you.

Not lucky.

Shouldn’t everyone feel as supported as I do after going through what we went through

Surely this should be the norm when your life is no longer how it was.

I survived the day

I survived the week

I will survive the juggle, I have no choice

Because I want to, because I need to.

Driving home will always be the hardest

Not being able to call you

In that moment I’m trying to get through the traffic

Trying to get home

To chat about the mundane stuff

Knowing that I can’t no matter how much I want to

Knowing that you won’t be there to listen when I get home.