Driving home was the hardest part.
That was the time I’d usually give you a quick call
Trying to get through the traffic of a city centre
To say hello.
Because those few minutes not getting anywhere are pretty boring.
I’d ask about your day
What you’d been up to
How you were feeling
If anyone had popped round or if you’d been out.
Even though I’d probably already know this, I’d have text you a few times already
And probably spoke to you when I was on my lunch.
I’d tell you about my day
If it was busy, how I’d got on
Whether it was hard or not.
I’d find out what the kids were up to
If they were being good
We’d decide what we were having for tea
If I needed to call anywhere on the way home.
We’d talk about things we’d seen
Or if either of us had any ‘goss.’
We would make plans for the night
Or decide what was happening if one of us was nipping out.
Just a quick chat that probably could’ve waited ‘til I got home
Much of which was probably repeated when I got home.
A take for granted call I didn’t realise I would miss so much
A call as I was stuck in traffic trying to get home to you.
Driving home and not being able to call you was the hardest part.
I had survived getting up in the morning
Getting the kids up and getting out the door early
I had survived the traffic.
I had survived getting into work
Sitting down at a desk and turning on my laptop
I had survived the day.
I had remembered my password
I have to write everything else down now, little notes so I don’t forget what I’m supposed to be doing, where we’re supposed to be going, things I should be doing, bits I need to pick up
I can no longer remember simple daily things
But the password I have not used for 6 months came to me with ease.
I remembered how to log on
The systems I have to use
The basics of the job I do.
It came flooding back like I had never been away
It was comforting and awful at the same time.
So much has changed in my life
Everything has changed in my life.
The things I need to deal with, my thoughts and feelings, the fundamentals of my family, my life without you.
Yet here I was, remembering my password as if nothing had changed at all.
As if no time had passed.
There were reminders of you all over my screen
Dates, emails, spreadsheets, information, all from a time you were here
From a time I was whole
A time I was me.
I survived it all.
My return to work is phased, I am easing myself back in
Easing myself back into this new juggle as a parent by myself with a full-time job.
I am lucky I am so supported
That they are trying to make this transition as stress free as possible
I am lucky I was able to have this time off without having to worry about money
Although I do worry about that, all the time.
But not lucky
‘Cause a really shit thing happened
Because I couldn’t even think about getting up and going to work
Because in the beginning I could only think about getting through each minute of each day
Because I lost you.
Shouldn’t everyone feel as supported as I do after going through what we went through
Surely this should be the norm when your life is no longer how it was.
I survived the day
I survived the week
I will survive the juggle, I have no choice
Because I want to, because I need to.
Driving home will always be the hardest
Not being able to call you
In that moment I’m trying to get through the traffic
Trying to get home
To chat about the mundane stuff
Knowing that I can’t no matter how much I want to
Knowing that you won’t be there to listen when I get home.