A friend asked how I was
‘Not bad at the minute, on an up so just going with it and enjoying the good mood’ was the reply
The waters are currently calm
We are lay on our backs floating along, listening to muffled noises as the water laps around our ears
Putting us at ease
We ride the crest of waves.
Genuine smiles and happiness are felt
Things have been a little easier recently
Just a little
We have been to the park, seen friends, been away for a week, spent time in the sunshine.
The sunshine helps, I think it must. After what feels like the longest winter ever
I have felt in the moment, not just a stranger watching my life unfold, judging my every move.
I have been able to look back and remember the joy
I have felt a little lighter, the anchor of sorrow allowing me to float a little freer
I let the mood take me, going along with the light it carries
Not over thinking every detail
Not dissecting the day, the moments, the memories, the feelings, whether any of it is right.
Not questioning myself constantly.
It’s such a relief to not do that for every thought or action.
I’ve seen grief described as the ocean many times
How it comes as waves ebbing and flowing
I’ve described it myself in that way
That I am often drowning, barely keeping myself afloat
It is the easiest way for someone not living this to understand.
So the analogy, the imagery I’ll continue to use in the hope that I can try to explain this to you.
There are moments like this, of calmness
Where the good in each day is easier to find
The light shines a little brighter leading us in this darkness
Some days it’s like I have all my shit together
I don’t, no one really does do they
It is easier to not feel like a failure
I am not as hard on myself.
My smile is real and fills my face
I sleep better, I can make plans and want to stick to them
I can talk about my life, about Chris, about loss without it catching in my throat.
This is all still new to me and I am still learning, I will always be learning.
This mood, these feelings, I know are unlikely to last
I understand that now
In all seas there are storms no matter the season.
And soon, with whatever trigger, for whatever reason or for no reason at all
I will once again be drowning and consumed by the swell
Where joy is lost and darkness presses against my chest making it hard to breath.
This is not a rollercoaster
As life is often described
Nor a journey, Chris always hated his life described as that
With each of those there are endings, a finish
An element of control
There will be no end to this
I have no control of the nuances of this ocean I find myself trying to navigate.
There is the temptation when things are good to try to do more
To fit in the things, the people, the days out you cannot face at other times
Making the most of the feeling, not really knowing how long it will last.
I have been guilty of this in the past
Of doing too much, filling the days with activities and no time to rest.
Now I am beginning to understand how important it is to give myself the time to do nothing, time that gives me space to breathe
So when I find myself consumed by grief again I have enough energy to simply live.
The sorrow remains
The loss remains
The sadness does not leave me. Ever.
I am just able to appreciate there is joy.
I do not stop missing him and wishing he was here
Even in the brief moments I am feeling, happier
It just allows me to cope better with him being missing from me.
So for the moment I will go with it
Riding the crest of the wave
Carrying the moments I create in this time along with me
To help get me through the next time I lose joy and the darkness beats back the light.