We were supposed to grow old and grey together

That was the plan

That was the dream.

You’d be greyer than me,

We’d have retired early and gone on a big cruise

You’d get grumpier, of course you would

You’d find more to moan about

You’d reach the age you thought was acceptable to wear a suit everyday, just because

We’d dress in our finery to go for a carvery every Sunday, unless the grandkids were visiting

You’d still get confused about ages and school years

We would hold hands and young couples would look at us thinking how sweet we were together

And we would still laugh, every day.

I’d always reach the milestone ages before you

You’d never let me forget it

For four months a year we’d be the same age.

My ever so slightly younger man.

Now you will always be 35

And I will continue to get older and greyer

Without you.

This birthday was hard

I knew it would be,

I wanted it to be forgotten

Wanted the day to pass by with no fuss, no mention.

There was no way Lily was going to let that happen

So intent was she I had a special day.

That there were balloons and banners and cake, like I do for them

Her not so secret phone calls to my mum and my friend to organise cards and presents. To make sure I had something she knew I would like.

I love that she is so thoughtful but hate she feels the responsibility lies with her.

It just marks another thing, another first, another date, you’re not here

That you are missing from me

That I miss sharing with you.

Another reminder that time is moving me away from you

The gap of you being here and not, getting bigger.

I didn’t want to celebrate the privilege of getting older when you can’t

I didn’t want to celebrate a birthday without you here, these dates will never be the same now.

I can hear you telling me to enjoy it, to eat cake, to celebrate everything

Then I feel guilty because I can’t, not yet, not this year.

When I think of you, I think of you well, 2014 Chris

Before pain, before cancer, before all of this.

If there’s heaven, or something else, that’s how I imagine you there

You will forever be 35 and I will continue to get older

We were supposed to grow old and grey together

And that we can’t, that we won’t, just doesn’t seem fair at all.