A Beginning?

I have made it no secret that I have been lost.

I have found myself searching

Trying to find, myself

To work out who I am now in this world.

Unsure of where I fit or how I am to be

Not knowing where the person I was once so sure of has gone

Or what could ever make me happy

After the happiness I was so familiar with has been shattered.

Turns out I have been searching in all the wrong places

The emphasis put on things I have no control over.

Looking for my peace elsewhere, in others, in things.

Believing my happiness was another’s responsibility

That something else should pull me from the dark hole I find myself suffocating in

Yet still feeling lost.

I realised that in order to find myself I need to work on, me

I need to rethink, my thinking

I need to take responsibility

To work out what makes me happy

Discover what I like about myself

So I can start to like the world again.

It is a journey

I fucking hate that word.

A process I know I have to undertake.

Of stripping back everything I thought I knew

The relationships I thought I had.

Stop myself focussing on the negatives

On what I see myself as being bad at

Stop beating myself up at the slightest blip.

Allow the positive be the thing I see first.

This is the beginning.

A beginning of letting go

Not of you, never of you

How could I ever let go of you.

Of letting go of everything else

So my mind is less busy

So I can find some peace.

It will take time, I’m sure

I am in no rush.

I’m not even sure I’ll be able to do this on my own

Whether I’ll need to seek out help

Could I be ready for that now?

I know I am ready to start

I want to find my place in this world without you

Knowing you’re always by my side.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

4 thoughts on “A Beginning?

  1. I am sure the odd time you feel happy you feel guilty how can you be happy without Chris you hopfully have a long life ahead so try to enjoy the times you feel happy not easy I know sure at times you keep saying me and no answer to that

  2. The journey thing is used so often by people, often people who want to day the right thing but end up sounding trite. It’s all a journey, and a destination. Life is the journey.
    I love the final 2 lines. I hope you have the support you need to be happy. You deserve it, you earned it, its time xx

    1. I know, I think it’s because it makes it sound so enjoyable, like there is a destination when really quite often there’s not and it’s often used in a context of people who are really struggling & having an awful time. You’re right though we do journey through life.
      Thank you xx

  3. Hope you find some peace, and happiness. What you’ve been through is so not fair; PMA can help but is not an easy state to achieve all the time, so I hope you allow yourself the down times too xx

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