I have made it no secret that I have been lost.
I have found myself searching
Trying to find, myself
To work out who I am now in this world.
Unsure of where I fit or how I am to be
Not knowing where the person I was once so sure of has gone
Or what could ever make me happy
After the happiness I was so familiar with has been shattered.
Turns out I have been searching in all the wrong places
The emphasis put on things I have no control over.
Looking for my peace elsewhere, in others, in things.
Believing my happiness was another’s responsibility
That something else should pull me from the dark hole I find myself suffocating in
Yet still feeling lost.
I realised that in order to find myself I need to work on, me
I need to rethink, my thinking
I need to take responsibility
To work out what makes me happy
Discover what I like about myself
So I can start to like the world again.
It is a journey
I fucking hate that word.
A process I know I have to undertake.
Of stripping back everything I thought I knew
The relationships I thought I had.
Stop myself focussing on the negatives
On what I see myself as being bad at
Stop beating myself up at the slightest blip.
Allow the positive be the thing I see first.
This is the beginning.
A beginning of letting go
Not of you, never of you
How could I ever let go of you.
Of letting go of everything else
So my mind is less busy
So I can find some peace.
It will take time, I’m sure
I am in no rush.
I’m not even sure I’ll be able to do this on my own
Whether I’ll need to seek out help
Could I be ready for that now?
I know I am ready to start
I want to find my place in this world without you
Knowing you’re always by my side.