After you died I was so scared of being by myself

Being left alone with my own thoughts, fears and feelings

Even though in moments of solitude was where I felt you most

Where I still felt you near.

I started to say yes to everything.

Every invite for coffee, every suggestion of lunch, every night out, every trip

I said yes

Thinking it would save me

Stop me from being alone.

I was lost from the second you took your last breath

So threw myself into keeping busy, hoping I would find myself there.

Hoping that by saying yes to everything I could carve my way in the world

This was the way to live a full life, one that would make you proud.

At the time thinking this was the only way to cope.

I was running from my new reality.

Trying to carry on as if nothing had changed

As if I could be the same person after all I knew had gone.

I was left tired, exhausted

Eventually all the emotions I had been hiding from, were pushed to the top

Uncontrollable and overwhelming.

They always catch up with you in the end

No matter how hard you try

There is no running from grief.

Once it caught up I was floored

I didn’t want to say yes, to anything

I was scared to say yes to anything.

Because facing the world without you was just became too much

I was unable to see the joy in these things

Or why anyone would want to invite me or spend time with me

Questioning their motives

Leaving me feeling even more alone.

There was no light in the darkness.

I started to avoid situations where I have to look like I have my shit together

Shopping, eating out, anywhere where there might be a queue

Confined spaces where Sam has to try to sit still

Or anywhere too crowded.

Times where I know it will be obvious I am no longer part of a pair

Or if I become the odd number of people.

I am anxious of situations where I may need to introduce myself

Or if I have to spend time with people who don’t know about us.

I avoid conversations with people who might ask where you are

I have yet to tell verbally tell anyone I don’t know I am a widow

I have yet to say those words aloud

But I want to shout it out to so people can start to understand

How hard this all is, how new it all still feels.

In starting to search for myself

I am hopeful that the situations I avoid become less

As I become more comfortable with who I am

Confident in the parent I am.

I am learning to be careful with the plans I make

To be careful not to overdo things

Not to be so overwhelmed again

So I can start to truly enjoy them

Without feeling like I don’t belong.

Knowing and understanding that I cannot

Will not, find myself everywhere.