After you died I was so scared of being by myself
Being left alone with my own thoughts, fears and feelings
Even though in moments of solitude was where I felt you most
Where I still felt you near.
I started to say yes to everything.
Every invite for coffee, every suggestion of lunch, every night out, every trip
I said yes
Thinking it would save me
Stop me from being alone.
I was lost from the second you took your last breath
So threw myself into keeping busy, hoping I would find myself there.
Hoping that by saying yes to everything I could carve my way in the world
This was the way to live a full life, one that would make you proud.
At the time thinking this was the only way to cope.
I was running from my new reality.
Trying to carry on as if nothing had changed
As if I could be the same person after all I knew had gone.
I was left tired, exhausted
Eventually all the emotions I had been hiding from, were pushed to the top
Uncontrollable and overwhelming.
They always catch up with you in the end
No matter how hard you try
There is no running from grief.
Once it caught up I was floored
I didn’t want to say yes, to anything
I was scared to say yes to anything.
Because facing the world without you was just became too much
I was unable to see the joy in these things
Or why anyone would want to invite me or spend time with me
Questioning their motives
Leaving me feeling even more alone.
There was no light in the darkness.
I started to avoid situations where I have to look like I have my shit together
Shopping, eating out, anywhere where there might be a queue
Confined spaces where Sam has to try to sit still
Or anywhere too crowded.
Times where I know it will be obvious I am no longer part of a pair
Or if I become the odd number of people.
I am anxious of situations where I may need to introduce myself
Or if I have to spend time with people who don’t know about us.
I avoid conversations with people who might ask where you are
I have yet to tell verbally tell anyone I don’t know I am a widow
I have yet to say those words aloud
But I want to shout it out to so people can start to understand
How hard this all is, how new it all still feels.
In starting to search for myself
I am hopeful that the situations I avoid become less
As I become more comfortable with who I am
Confident in the parent I am.
I am learning to be careful with the plans I make
To be careful not to overdo things
Not to be so overwhelmed again
So I can start to truly enjoy them
Without feeling like I don’t belong.
Knowing and understanding that I cannot
Will not, find myself everywhere.