I cannot control my feelings

The way I feel in or about situations

Can any of us?

I don’t wake up and decide to feel fed up

But we all have days like that

I haven’t gone through life trying not to feel ok all of the time

Sometimes I really don’t

I do not want the darkness to overpower light

Yet it so often does.

For so long I have felt, everything

All of the time

My emotions moving at a million miles an hour, a second

My brain, my heart, my soul trying to process everything that was happening

And not being able to process anything at all.

I believe myself to be optimistic, trying to see the good

I was positive, I needed to be, to get through.

I still laughed, a lot

I still felt an enormous amount of joy when I was with him

We had genuine happy times and created wonderful memories

We did not just make the best of it.

I tried to stop myself feeling anything else

Anything that went against my optimism.

Pushing away the pain

Locking the darkness away

Papering over the cracks with jokes and not allowing myself to show that I was taking anything too seriously.

So I didn’t add to his pain

Didn’t add to his worry with my fears

So he didn’t know how scared I was of it all

Of losing him

Of letting him down.

Of not being able to do any of this without him.

I did not want to add weight to the feelings he experienced

Did not want to upset him with my thoughts.

Then he was gone and I wanted to appear like I had it all together

Afraid it would look like I couldn’t cope

Darkness let me believe I was winning

But I wasn’t truly living in the light.

I had been on autopilot for so long I didn’t even realise.

Grief doesn’t work like that

It does not allow you to carry on as you always have

There is no amount of pushing, running and ignoring I could do

No amount of hoping all the negative emotions will disappear

Before the darkness catches up and consumes you.

Once that happened it has been a fight to see any light

In anything.

Since starting this search for myself I have stopped locking up darkness

I embrace it, allow it to seep into my thoughts

I could no longer carry on as I always have

I don’t want to carry on as I always have.

I am beginning to understand what I did to emotionally survive

Acknowledge and admit to myself just how hard the last few years have been

No longer trying to stick bits of myself back together in a bid to stay whole

Now I am teaching darkness not to take over

More light has started appear, ever so slowly

It is a process that requires longevity

If I am ever to have real peace

If I am ever to really truly find myself.

I am not sure if they’ll last

The feelings I am feeling right now.

There is always the negatives I need to acknowledge and work through

The deep-rooted sadness in the pit of my stomach that you are not here with us.

For the first time in as long as I can remember

I am starting to feel in control

I feel calm

I am starting feel confident

I feel strong

In my ability to be me

In the steps I am taking to make our lives better

To make him proud

Free to discover where my happiness is found.