I cannot control my feelings
The way I feel in or about situations
Can any of us?
I don’t wake up and decide to feel fed up
But we all have days like that
I haven’t gone through life trying not to feel ok all of the time
Sometimes I really don’t
I do not want the darkness to overpower light
Yet it so often does.
For so long I have felt, everything
All of the time
My emotions moving at a million miles an hour, a second
My brain, my heart, my soul trying to process everything that was happening
And not being able to process anything at all.
I believe myself to be optimistic, trying to see the good
I was positive, I needed to be, to get through.
I still laughed, a lot
I still felt an enormous amount of joy when I was with him
We had genuine happy times and created wonderful memories
We did not just make the best of it.
I tried to stop myself feeling anything else
Anything that went against my optimism.
Pushing away the pain
Locking the darkness away
Papering over the cracks with jokes and not allowing myself to show that I was taking anything too seriously.
So I didn’t add to his pain
Didn’t add to his worry with my fears
So he didn’t know how scared I was of it all
Of losing him
Of letting him down.
Of not being able to do any of this without him.
I did not want to add weight to the feelings he experienced
Did not want to upset him with my thoughts.
Then he was gone and I wanted to appear like I had it all together
Afraid it would look like I couldn’t cope
Darkness let me believe I was winning
But I wasn’t truly living in the light.
I had been on autopilot for so long I didn’t even realise.
Grief doesn’t work like that
It does not allow you to carry on as you always have
There is no amount of pushing, running and ignoring I could do
No amount of hoping all the negative emotions will disappear
Before the darkness catches up and consumes you.
Once that happened it has been a fight to see any light
Since starting this search for myself I have stopped locking up darkness
I embrace it, allow it to seep into my thoughts
I could no longer carry on as I always have
I don’t want to carry on as I always have.
I am beginning to understand what I did to emotionally survive
Acknowledge and admit to myself just how hard the last few years have been
No longer trying to stick bits of myself back together in a bid to stay whole
Now I am teaching darkness not to take over
More light has started appear, ever so slowly
It is a process that requires longevity
If I am ever to have real peace
If I am ever to really truly find myself.
I am not sure if they’ll last
The feelings I am feeling right now.
There is always the negatives I need to acknowledge and work through
The deep-rooted sadness in the pit of my stomach that you are not here with us.
For the first time in as long as I can remember
I am starting to feel in control
I feel calm
I am starting feel confident
I feel strong
In my ability to be me
In the steps I am taking to make our lives better
To make him proud
Free to discover where my happiness is found.