I crave simplicity

Yet live in chaos

I crave calm and order

Yet I’m the sole cause of my own stress

And outside of grief, the emotions and thoughts that churn in my brain

Outside of my search for myself

The situations I keep repeating

The only things that causes me discontent

Are my own habits, niggles and procrastinations

I am a collector, a hoarder

Of stuff

Stuff I don’t need, want or use

Stuff I have had for years

That is boxed or bagged or piled high in rooms

Causing mess, never used

Mess that I leave and leave and leave

Mess that plays on my mind

Mess that has no where to live in this bendy walled house

Mess that I am embarrassed to admit to.

I do not want to spend my time tidying

So I don’t.

But there is so much stuff it is impossible to ignore

Everything just gets worse

It has become uncontrollable.

I procrastinate beyond acceptable levels of procrastination

I leave everything to the point I can no longer wait.

Sometimes this works out ok

Most of the time it does not.

I think the day contains more time than it does

Even though I know time doesn’t work like that.

Things take longer than the time I allocate

Because I tell myself it won’t take me that long

I leave at the last minute or later to get to where I need to be

I am unorganised

Leaving tasks and errands to the last possible moment

We are always a rush.

I know I am doing it

I sabotage myself constantly

I never learn.

I am trying to create a life of peace and calm

Knowing this will help me in my pursuit of happiness

Knowing that I have full control over the things I need to change

Yet do not seem to be able to do it.

I have had enough

The house swallows the things I need

The things I am looking for

It’s in these moments especially that I get angry with myself

I get angry with the kids

Even though it’s not their fault.

After anger comes guilt

Always guilt.

Guilt that this is my own doing

And I that should have learnt by now

Guilt that I took my own frustrations out on the kids

Guilt that I am spending so much time doing nothing

When I know if I do something, sooner

It will all start to be a little better

I need less

Less stuff

So there is less mess

Less time to be spent on sorting and tidying

Less procrastination.

So I can spend more time living a life he would be proud of