It’s been a pretty tough week! Getting back into training after having a month off and being flat-out for a week over New Year with tonsillitis (which completely floored me and had me in bed 3 days and not eating anything for most of the week) has been tough!
I started again last Tuesday. I’m still running with Mr C, he’s still using our runs as a warm up! I will be honest, as I always am, this is the toughest, toughest day I’ve had of this training so far. To ease me back in we decided to just do 2 miles. I’ve done 2 miles. 2 miles have been under my belt for a while. Not on Tuesday. I started off ok but it didn’t take long at all for me to be out of breath and to have to walk. I was feeling down and had no energy. I walked for a bit and then ran (when I say run or ran I really mean jogged ’cause my run is not fast.) The running didn’t last long and I was back walking again. I was not feeling the run, I couldn’t do it. I started to whimper a bit. I’m thinking to myself, what on Earth am I doing?! What am I doing seriously? This is a ridiculous idea! So I said it: ‘This was a stupid bloody idea! Who’s idea was it for me to do this run? I’m never going to do it!’ Mr C says nothing! Him saying nothing makes it worse, now I feel like I’m letting him down. We carry on walking. ‘It’s all down hill from here’ He says, ‘lets go’, so I start to run again. My body physically cannot do it. My legs are like lead. This is the worst I’ve felt walking or running, worse than the first time I ever went out. The whimpering has started again. I can’t run any more. I walk again for the rest of the way. I get home and I feel awful. I’m much further behind than I thought I was going to be when I started training again, I feel like I’ve let Mr C down and most of all I just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel! Mr C goes to the kitchen to get a drink, I sit in the living room trying desperately to control my breathing. He comes back in. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself’ He says ‘You’ve had a month off and you’ve been ill’ and do you know what I did? I cried. I don’t just mean whimpering like I’d been doing on the walk. I mean full on crying. Actual tears running down my face and sobs! Mr C gave me a cuddle. ‘You’ll get there’ This sets me off even more, I’m still crying! I want to do this bloody half marathon! It would be easy to back out! I want to do it! This makes the crying worse!
I’m not giving up.
I’ve decided to go out every other day. We went back out on Thursday. The same 2 mile route. I’ve given up on music, I can’t find any songs I really want to listen to and I need to concentrate. What a difference a day makes. I did it. 2 miles! I’m not saying it was easy, well anything from now on will be easier than Tuesday, but I did it! No whimpering, just breathing and making my legs work! I was feeling pretty pleased with myself when I’d finished. I’m actually quite surprised by how quickly I’ve got back to where I’d left off in December.
Back out on Saturday. We tried a different route altogether. The munchkin was at my mums whilst we went out. We ran from their house around Martland Mill industrial estate. I started well, the first part of the route was really flat. I was actually enjoying it. Then there was a hill. As you know I hate hills. Which is not easy ’cause every route I go on includes a bloody hill, and short of moving, which I’m not sure will be worth it, there’s not a lot I can do about them. It wasn’t that steep but it was long, it was the whole second part of the run. I wanted Saturday to be different. I wanted to get over my fear of the hills. I gritted my teeth and tried not think about it as a hill. I’m thinking to myself this is ok, you can do it, just keep going. My legs are laughing at me. They do not want to listen to my brain telling them to keep running, they’ve had just about enough of this shitty hill! ‘Come on, just keep going, its all in your head’ Mr C says. I want to tell him to shut the fuck up but I have no spare breath available. I get to what I think is the top of the hill and I’m thinking the hard part is done. I want to keep going, my head wants to keep going. My legs however, they’ve given up and I literally cannot make them move. My brain is trying to get them shifting some more. They have a bloody mind of their own my legs. They start to walk. 1.6 mile run. I walk the rest of the way to my mums. So in total another 2 miles, even though this wasn’t as successful as Thursday. I still manage to not burst into tears so I’m still doing better than Tuesday!
This brings me too tonight. When I left work it was snowing! It’s cold too, a cold that chills you to your bones. I’ve planned to run so I’ll be damn well running. I’m thinking about what I’m going to wear. The last few runs, I’ve worn one of my new running tops, my new running jacket but Chris’s jogging bottoms still. The running pants I’ve got are 3 quarter and to wear these would mean me making an effort to shave my legs, I’m wondering whilst driving in the freezing blizzard whether I will get away with wearing them, will anyone really notice my fuzziness whilst I’m jogging. The thought of going out in the jogging bottoms and getting them wet does not fill me with confidence. They would end up heavy, like when you wear your PJs to swim down for the brick in swimming lessons! The snow blizzard has eased off by the time I get home so I opt for the jogging bottoms. I’m going to risk it.
Mr C tells me the route, it’s longer than I’ve done before. It includes the 2 mile route and then adds some more on the road up to Maves, which is where Lily is whilst we’re out tonight. We set off. We do the 2 mile route. I need a wee all the way round, which is annoying ’cause I made sure I had a try before I left the house. Apart from that I’m feeling good about it. I’m visualising where we then have to go. Mr C says ‘Right forget what we’ve just done. We’re just setting off’ Try telling my legs that I think. We’re also running against the wind which is annoying but I love how it keeps me cool. I keep going. In my head I break the rest of the way down. Just get to this bit and if you need to walk you can. I keep running. Just get to the lights and if you need to walk you can. I keep running. Just get to that bit and if you need to walk you can. I keep running. Right there’s a massive downhill bit you can run this bit. I keep running. We start to go back up hill, it’s the last bit just keep going. ‘The more you run the more you get into a rhythm and the easier it is’ Mr C says. ‘No’ is my simple answer. My legs start feeling heavy on the hill, bloody hills will be the actual death of me, but I keep running. I do it! I get to Maves and I’ve run all the way. 3.1 miles! The furthest I’ve ever ran without stopping to walk! Little proud moment!
So it’s been a tough week all round! It started badly but today I’ve done my personal best. My times are getting better too and I’m doing each mile slightly quicker than I was in December. 3 miles took me 40 minutes tonight, I’m never going to break any records but I’m getting myself into a steady rhythm (most of the time) I still have a very, very long way to go but I can only get better, can’t I?
Don’t forget, I’m putting myself through this and running the Liverpool half marathon to raise much-needed funds for Me 2 You Bereavement Charity. Please sponsor me by visiting https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/rebeccacowley1 It really will keep me going!
PS Thank you to Lisa for the lend of the laptop so I can keep you all up to date with how I’m doing!