I think I’ve fucked up!

I’m not sure when or where or how it has happened but I think it has.

I only think, I can’t be sure you see.

Mornings are not good times for me, I’m usually in a rush to get me & Lil ready to get out the door to drop her at breakfast club and get me to work on time! It’s my own fault, I’m always, always on the last minute with virtually everything in life so every morning is the same rushed routine! No matter what time I wake up the last 20 minutes of the hour of 7 disappear before my very eyes.

This morning though I wasn’t so rushed. I was teaching her ‘the sailor went to sea sea sea,’ we were chatting about the weekend coming up and the plan for tonight, we were leisurely getting her uniform on. For once it was a less stressful time of the day.

Then I asked her to get something from upstairs, I can’t even remember what now, there was some geeing up and pleading with her to hurry up as she stood at the bottom of the stairs, as I got our bags together. She left for the stairs and I must have sighed or something.

Then came the question, the punch to my stomach, wrench out my heart question:

‘Do you wish you’d never had a kid?’

Oh!

‘No’ I said, ‘Of course not, having a kid is amazing’

And off she went on her merry way, without a care in the world, not mentioning it again and talking about something else immediately, probably not even realising the effect the question would have! I mean she’s 4 (nearly 5) I’m not even sure if she knows what the question means!

But Fuck! My greatest fear is coming true!

I mean I don’t profess to be the greatest mum in the world, but I try. Sometimes I’m a little short of patience, isn’t everyone?

I joke with my friends about our bloody kids when I’m having a difficult day. Doesn’t everyone?

I tell her daily I love her and that she’s my favourite girl. I want her to know she’s the most amazing little thing. I show her I love being with her by doing  normal mummy things like playing and chatting and listening to the little tales she tells. I let her know it’s important for her to be happy. I give her great big squeezes and we cuddle up on the sofa.

I try to stop her bouncing on our bed, or climbing on the furniture. I ask her to use manors. I sometimes have to tell her off. It’s rare. She tells me I’m a meany mummy if she doesn’t get her own way. I ask her to turn down her volume a lot, she’s really noisy but I do it in a jokey way!

Isn’t this normal?

Mr C says she must have picked it up the question at school and that I shouldn’t worry.

But there’s a tiny little seed that has planted itself in the pit of my stomach! It’s taking root. I’m trying to shake it off but it’s not going to be an easy question to forget.

I think I’ve fucked up!

I’m not sure how and I’ve no clue how to fix it.