Needing a rest from the juggle

I am ready for a break.

A break from juggling.


I am ready not to have to set my alarm, to lazily get ready in the morning, to not have to commute, to stay in my PJs if I really want to.

To sit with no real need to go anywhere.

Ready for aspects of spontaneity, of seeing friends and creating more memories.

I am ready to get on top of the mountain of washing, I’m looking forward to not having piles of clothes in every room.

I am ready to give in to the magnetic pull of being at home.

To spend quality, unrushed time with the kids.

Be around to help Chris more during the week.

To keep him company, keep his spirits up, keep us all positive.

To only have to think about family life and all the joys it brings.

I am ready to stop thinking about work and school.

I am ready to drop one of the balls.

Just for a little while.

I have becomes increasingly tired. There has been a noticeable lack in energy and motivation. I have started to become grumpy and irritable and fed up with the situation we find ourselves in.

Which is no good for anyone, when positivity, happiness and light have been getting us through the darkness.

I have found the juggle harder recently than before the break in Chris’ chemo.

The few weeks his treatment stopped for the operation enabled us to reclaim some of our old normal.

Chris felt and looked well, he could taste, his mouth wasn’t full of sores, he had energy, his hair started to grow back.

He laughed and he really felt it.

He smiled and it started to reach his eyes again.

It was easy to forget Cancer for those few weeks.

He started to get his spark back.

I had my husband back.

I was able to relax and put to rest the bubble of worry that sits just under the surface.

For a brief moment it felt like we were ready to restart our lives, yet knew that the gruelling treatment routine would have to return. That the weight I subconsciously carry round would retake its place.

I dreaded treatment starting again, knew he wasn’t looking forward to it, knew it would be hard.

I do not want this to be happening anymore.

I wanted it to be over, but knew it needed to be done.

I am ready for a break.

Ready to let go of trying to be in control of everything, all of the time.

I need it.

Work has been amazing, without their support I would not have got to now so unscathed. I know that I am extremely lucky.

But I need to give myself time to recharge.

To rest.

To recoup.

Cancer won’t stop, we will not have a rest from that. There will be sessions, two of them, in my break but it will have my full attention, my full energy will be available to get me through those weeks.

I will not need to worry about juggling.

In September, I can pick that ball back up refreshed and ready to go.

In the knowledge we’re only 2 months away from the finish line.

I am ready for the summer holidays.

I am ready to drop a ball.

Just for a little while.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

Comments make me Happy! Like cake does but with less calories

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