He’s going to build a space rocket

I snuggled him, asked him if he would stay with me forever

‘No mummy’ he replied

‘I’m going into space when I’m bigger’

‘I’m going to build a space rocket, go into space, to the stars, see my daddy’

‘See my daddy in heaven’

It took us back a bit

We talk a lot to Lily about what’s happening

We’re very honest with her

We have been from the beginning

It was important for me, for us, that she wasn’t kept in the dark about anything.

That we didn’t hide things from her

When the cancer came back, she knew that it would never go away again

She knows her daddy will not live to be an old man

She asked us if he’ll still be here when she’s twenty, or a teenager

We told her its unlikely

She asked if he’ll be here when she’s 10 or 11

Which we tell her we hope so but possibly not.

Sometimes she gets upset

She knows it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to cry

She tells me it’s unfair, questions why this is happening to her daddy, out of all the daddy’s why hers.

I tell her we wouldn’t wish this on another daddy, another family

I have no other answers.

Other times she jokes with us

Humour is the way we deal with things

About being able to always sit in the front seat of the car

Or keeping his phone and iPad and having the password to his iTunes

She’s sensitive too

She gets that we’re trying to make memories

Even when she doesn’t want her picture taken

She asked what song he’d like her to listen to, that will remind her of him.

We talk about heaven, about reincarnation, about ghosts, about all the things people believe in, and love staying alive,

I make sure her life is normal, as it can be

I don’t stop her from playing out with her friends

Or hiding out in her bedroom watching YouTube

She doesn’t get treated differently, she still gets told off, there are still expectations about her behaviour

I’d never really thought about Sam

Sounds harsh doesn’t it, written down like that.

He knows that his daddy is poorly, that his back is sore.

He knows daddy has to go to hospital

We don’t refrain from using words that sound scary, using Cancer or chemo, although he’s never said them himself

We’ve never hidden anything from him, in the same way we’ve never hidden anything from Lily

We’ve never sat him down or explained anything to him like we have with her in the same way either

Assuming he wouldn’t really understand

Chris has had cancer almost as long as he’s been alive

This is all he’s even known.

He must understand, in the way any 3-year-old understands anything you tell them.

That they are going through this is the thing that ‘causes me the most pain and fear.

That they have any understanding at all is the thing that makes me the angriest

For them

For Chris

The way they have dealt and continue to deal with all that is thrown at them makes me the most proud

Makes me believe that I am doing something right

I am helping them build the emotional tools they need to face whatever the future holds

‘I’m going to build a space rocket, go into space, to the stars, see my daddy’

‘See my daddy in heaven’