I don’t forget.
There is no forgetting
No way of these troubles being eased
I am not lucky enough to forget momentarily
For moments of peace
If I manage to sleep
I wake knowing.
There are no moments of realisation
No chance to ignore the sadness
That clouds all other emotions.
Thoughts of you never leave me
You are there, present, in all that I do
All that I think
All that I plan.
Life is a blur of moments
There is a numbness to days
With sadness at their core.
Sometimes, I remember harder
I am hit like lightning
Electrifying the shattered shards of my heart
Illuminating the heaviness felt in my chest.
Unable to ignore.
Making the thousands of tiny ton weights
Float further away from each other.
Taking up more space for sorrow.
I am caught off guard
By the little things.
Sorting DVDs to find the wrapping still on that one I bought you
The one we kept meaning to watch.
Hearing your favourite Christmas song on the radio
After convincing myself I no longer knew what it was.
Setting up the echo months after you bought it me
Not understanding why I didn’t do it sooner
When you were here.
Snatches of news or things I see
I have no one to tell
No one to show
Because they won’t get it like you
Wouldn’t find it interesting
Wouldn’t find it funny.
Sorting out the branches on the Christmas tree
The only part of the decorating I’d let you do.
TV programmes you didn’t get to see to the end
New music I know you would love
Things I know you would be excited about.
Doing something new
Wishing you were still here
Knowing that you would moan about it all
But not really mean it.
I feel guilty for making new memories
Yet knowing it’s what you would want us to do.
I am caught off guard
Like a punch to the stomach.
At times I least expect it
On days that I am managing to get through.
I remember harder.
It makes me miss you more.
As if that’s even possible.
4 thoughts on “I Remember Harder”
Thinking of you all the time and willing you extra strength to get through x
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. We’ve found it so hard this year and I think its because it’s our first time everyone is well and doing okay, so we don’t have that to focus on. Christmas has so many memories and rituals. You carry round a shadow of ‘what might have been’ all the time. Never feel guilty over a new memory made though, your children will pull you through this Christmas and when you look back, you’ll remember it by their smiles and so will they xx
I’ve no words it’s heartbreaking Cancer is so evil stealing our most loved ones I’m so sorry . You want to talk any time just do it . Be strong for your two gorgeous children keep busy . Sending you caring thoughts xx
Sending lots of love and strength. xx