I Remember Harder

I don’t forget.

There is no forgetting

No way of these troubles being eased

I am not lucky enough to forget momentarily

For moments of peace

If I manage to sleep

I wake knowing.

There are no moments of realisation

No chance to ignore the sadness

That clouds all other emotions.

Thoughts of you never leave me

You are there, present, in all that I do

All that I think

All that I plan.

Life is a blur of moments

There is a numbness to days

With sadness at their core.


Sometimes, I remember harder

I am hit like lightning

Electrifying the shattered shards of my heart

Illuminating the heaviness felt in my chest.

Unable to ignore.

Making the thousands of tiny ton weights

Float further away from each other.

Taking up more space for sorrow.

I am caught off guard

By the little things.

Sorting DVDs to find the wrapping still on that one I bought you

The one we kept meaning to watch.

Hearing your favourite Christmas song on the radio

After convincing myself I no longer knew what it was.

Setting up the echo months after you bought it me

Not understanding why I didn’t do it sooner

When you were here.

Snatches of news or things I see

I have no one to tell

No one to show

Because they won’t get it like you

Wouldn’t find it interesting

Wouldn’t find it funny.

Sorting out the branches on the Christmas tree

The only part of the decorating I’d let you do.

TV programmes you didn’t get to see to the end

New music I know you would love

Things I know you would be excited about.

Doing something new

Without you

Wishing you were still here

Knowing that you would moan about it all

But not really mean it.

I feel guilty for making new memories

Yet knowing it’s what you would want us to do.

I am caught off guard

Like a punch to the stomach.

At times I least expect it

On days that I am managing to get through.

I remember harder.

It makes me miss you more.

As if that’s even possible.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

4 thoughts on “I Remember Harder

  1. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. We’ve found it so hard this year and I think its because it’s our first time everyone is well and doing okay, so we don’t have that to focus on. Christmas has so many memories and rituals. You carry round a shadow of ‘what might have been’ all the time. Never feel guilty over a new memory made though, your children will pull you through this Christmas and when you look back, you’ll remember it by their smiles and so will they xx

  2. Hi Becky
    I’ve no words it’s heartbreaking Cancer is so evil stealing our most loved ones I’m so sorry . You want to talk any time just do it . Be strong for your two gorgeous children keep busy . Sending you caring thoughts xx

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