I wanted to protect them

We wanted to protect them

My two

From the horrors of this world.

Keeping them in a safe bubble

Away from the knowledge of the scary things that happen

Making sure bad things don’t happen to them

Keeping them safe

Keeping their world tucked away from the rest.

Maintaining their innocent outlook on the workings of life

Where everyone is kind and your parents are invincible super heroes.

I wanted them to have a childhood free from worry or upset

Free from heartbreak

Free from having to cope with things grown ups struggle with.

Isn’t that what we all want as parents.

It’s not worked out like that for them

For our family.

Far too young the illusion was broken for both of them

Because I had to tell them the truth

Because I believe that my, our honesty with them, was going to be the only thing to get us through.

I never questioned whether we were doing the right thing

Whether we should shield them from the reality as much as possible

I just knew we were.

We are still in the very early stages of our grief

Of our loss

Our new lives without him.

That we will never see Chris again is still unbelievable to me

It makes my heart ache.

Chris always worried how all of this would affect them both

He, we, were devastated he was not going to be around to watch them grow

To help shape them into adults and be around for them

Knowing how much he would miss out on, how much we would miss having him around for.

I worried that their childhoods would be ruined

That they would be unable to cope

That they would never be as happy in their lives again

That they would grow up too quickly.

In many ways they have

They understand that bad things happen

They are experiencing emotions that no child should have to.

Nothing can prepare anyone for what has happened

Through our honesty they have been well prepared.

Part of their childhood will now be an adjustment

Adjusting to life without their Daddy

Learning to live without him

Missing him

Being angry, sad, happy, excited, laughing and crying

And knowing all of those things are ok.

Lots we will learn together as we navigate our way forward.

Their childhood is not ruined

Crumbled slightly around the edges

Sometimes a little sadder

A little more grown up in their thinking of things

I no longer shield them from the world outside

A better understanding of bad things that can happen

But definitely not ruined.

Despite everything they have been through they still believe.

They believe in magic

In adventures, and being silly, jokes and laughter

In December they woke each morning wondering what the Elf had been up to in the night

That bloody Elf.

They still left cookies & milk for Santa and carrots for the reindeer on Christmas Eve.

They shout for trolls when we go over bridges

Shouting louder near water ’cause water trolls are the worst.

They look for adventure in the woods

The smallest token is the biggest treasure

Sticks become wizard wands

That freeze you

Or turn you into a frog.

Sam shoots webs from his hands

And can shrink you to the same size as him.

They believe fairies visit us

Sometimes to collect teeth.

They believe the Sandman drops in at night bringing good dreams

Golden Slumbers

And if there’s bad dreams I blow them from their thoughts and we shoo them away.

They believe that good things can happen.

On one of our adventures last year Lily chose a sign for her bedroom from the gift shop

‘Life does not have to be perfect, to be wonderful’

They get it

They understand, she understood then

Our life is not perfect, no ones really is, ours has been harder over the past couple of years than most.

Our life isn’t easy and there is a lot we will have to deal with that many are lucky to never experience.

But it can be wonderful and hard, happy and sad at the same time

All of that is ok.

I know we, I, am doing something right

There is still light in us, through this storm

They still believe in magic.