To have lost and be lost

It is overwhelming sometimes

This feeling of loss.

Not just of losing you

Felt always in every fibre of my being.

The feeling I am losing myself.

I am lost.

For so long I was part of a pair

Almost half of my life

We spent our young adult lives growing together.

I knew who I was before

When I met you, my eyes were opened

To a real love

Without conditions or control

You gave me the confidence to be me.

We forged this easy way

Where you brought out the best in me

And hopefully I in you.

It wasn’t perfect

It was ours and it worked

Now I am lone

I am lost.

I feel like almost half a person

Parts of me seem missing

Parts of my life I loved.

The silliness

The daily laughter

The ability to not worry about things I cannot change.

Gone.

Those parts

The best parts of me, left with you

Replaced with uncertainty and anxiety

Sleepless nights and the uncontrollable playing on my mind.

New feelings I have not had to cope with before now I must learn to live with.

I am not used to this deep deliberating sadness that now follows me around

I am used to happiness.

Now there are only happy moments in sad days, tainted with longing for you to be here.

I question whether I am interesting enough for friends

The people in my life that you collected along the way.

Whether they want to spend time with us now you’re not here

Or just doing so because they feel they should.

You were the entertainer, the person who could talk to anyone in a room

Making people laugh so easily.

Making me laugh so easily.

The glue that held so many people together

So many people to us.

I worry I will lose them too

Without you what can I even talk about.

My thoughts are confused

I second guess the decisions I make

The things I wear, the places I go, the plans I have.

Wondering whether I am doing the right thing

Whether there is a right or wrong in all of this.

There are people I can ask for advice

It’s not the same as asking you.

Final decisions are now mine, rather than ours.

I am doing my best with the kids

The one part of myself I know I’m not doing too badly at

But I question my parenting more now than ever.

I knew as just a mummy my role in our family

With you around to balance us out.

Now I fear I will start doing it all wrong as I stumble through learning to be all, everything, for them

It now all stops with me.

I am no longer sure of myself

Or who that even is.

I must be the same

The fundamentals of my personality, of my being, can’t have changed

There are just now huge chunks of me missing.

I am no longer comfortable in my own skin

Not confident in the person I am

Not knowing who I am without you or the person I can be

Unsure of where I now fit in this world.

Our world

Without you with me.

I have lost.

The feeling is overwhelming.

I am lost

Without you.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

3 thoughts on “To have lost and be lost

  1. Hi Beccy
    Just been reading I feel so much for you I don’t know you complete strangers I know we are local to each other but that’s all . It’s horrible having to deal with the loss of someone you love so much I can understand the cancer taking away someone and basically you have to stand their and it’s out of our control we can do nothing . Awful it leaves you scarred for life because you witness this vile diesese and what it does . I can see through your words how your hurting and I’m so sorry don’t have your doubts I’m sure your friends love you to pieces and will always pick you up if not then I will !!!! Your doing s fantastic job bring a Mum at times you probably don’t want to be s Mum and just want to be left alone . It takes some doing Beccy what your dealing with really it will take a long time you won’t ever get over this and the grief won’t go away no matter what. From my grief as bad as it sounds I live with sadness every day and I never want to forget for one minute my person . Maybe we should start a club !! Keep going Beccy that’s all you can do

  2. Look forward to reading your dairy every week and how can you for a minute think you are not important now without Chris you are more so for the brave way you have carried on the last couple of years and in years to come when the children read your blog they will know how much you loved and cared for their dad they will be so proud of you hoping at sometimes you can get your dairy published to be a inspiration to others

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