It is overwhelming sometimes
This feeling of loss.
Not just of losing you
Felt always in every fibre of my being.
The feeling I am losing myself.
I am lost.
For so long I was part of a pair
Almost half of my life
We spent our young adult lives growing together.
I knew who I was before
When I met you, my eyes were opened
To a real love
Without conditions or control
You gave me the confidence to be me.
We forged this easy way
Where you brought out the best in me
And hopefully I in you.
It wasn’t perfect
It was ours and it worked
Now I am lone
I am lost.
I feel like almost half a person
Parts of me seem missing
Parts of my life I loved.
The daily laughter
The ability to not worry about things I cannot change.
The best parts of me, left with you
Replaced with uncertainty and anxiety
Sleepless nights and the uncontrollable playing on my mind.
New feelings I have not had to cope with before now I must learn to live with.
I am not used to this deep deliberating sadness that now follows me around
I am used to happiness.
Now there are only happy moments in sad days, tainted with longing for you to be here.
I question whether I am interesting enough for friends
The people in my life that you collected along the way.
Whether they want to spend time with us now you’re not here
Or just doing so because they feel they should.
You were the entertainer, the person who could talk to anyone in a room
Making people laugh so easily.
Making me laugh so easily.
The glue that held so many people together
So many people to us.
I worry I will lose them too
Without you what can I even talk about.
My thoughts are confused
I second guess the decisions I make
The things I wear, the places I go, the plans I have.
Wondering whether I am doing the right thing
Whether there is a right or wrong in all of this.
There are people I can ask for advice
It’s not the same as asking you.
Final decisions are now mine, rather than ours.
I am doing my best with the kids
The one part of myself I know I’m not doing too badly at
But I question my parenting more now than ever.
I knew as just a mummy my role in our family
With you around to balance us out.
Now I fear I will start doing it all wrong as I stumble through learning to be all, everything, for them
It now all stops with me.
I am no longer sure of myself
Or who that even is.
I must be the same
The fundamentals of my personality, of my being, can’t have changed
There are just now huge chunks of me missing.
I am no longer comfortable in my own skin
Not confident in the person I am
Not knowing who I am without you or the person I can be
Unsure of where I now fit in this world.
Without you with me.
I have lost.
The feeling is overwhelming.
I am lost