Letters to Chris · Thoughts and More

It caught up

It caught up

Time.

Quicker than we were ever expecting.

I thought we had more of it

Still hoped that your sheer stubbornness would defy all the odds

That you could still be the exception.

Never wanting to believe that I would ever be here without you.

Never wanting to think about a life without you in it.

What a boring life that would be.

When you dream of forever

No amount of time would ever have been enough.

You’d tell me, it’s hope that breaks your heart.

Well I’ve got to tell you

Not for the first time

You were wrong.

My swinging brick is taking a right hit.

I could spend my time telling everyone how we met

Or about the type of person you were

But right now, as you wanted, you are surrounded by the friends and family you loved.

Brought together by you

Each of them with a story to tell

A joke to share

A memory of time spent with you.

They know you

I don’t have to tell them you are one of the good guys

The best.

They know that you could be an annoying pest sometimes too.

Instead I want to say Thank you.

Thank you for always being you.

Thank you for choosing me

For not giving up on me all those years ago.

Thank you for making sure I ate more than burnt tuna pasta.

Thank you for bringing our friends into my life

For loving those already in it.

Thank you for defining the meaning of strength

For not backing down.

Thank you for showing us what it really means to live

Despite the battle you faced.

Thank you for making me laugh like no one else can, every single day

Even when I was the butt of the joke.

Thank you for being the most amazing daddy to Lily & Sam

Even though they’ve inherited your impatience.

Thank you for showing me what it is like to stand in the light

Our lives will always be duller without you here.

Thank you for loving me

For showing me what it feels like to be truly happy.

Thank you for letting me love you.

Thank you for the memories

For the stories we’ll tell Lily and Sam so you are always remembered.

I take comfort knowing that your pain has gone

Now you are at peace and you can rest easy.

Sleep a little better.

I just wasn’t ready

For you to not be around

I’m not sure I ever will be.

I miss you more than I ever believed possible.

I will love you

With all of my swinging brick

Always.

Goodnight, God Bless Chris.

See you in dreamland.

22 thoughts on “It caught up

  1. Oh Becky. I can’t tell you how much I wanted Chris to be the exception too. I didn’t ever want to read the post announcing that he had gone. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so keenly the loss of a man I’d never even met but I’m just so sad for you all. x x x

  2. Oh Becky. What a beautiful tribute to the man you love. I too wanted him to be the exception, to not have to read this post. Yours was such a shining example of a great relationship and if I take anything away from all that you’ve shared, it is to make sure that Ross and I laugh much more often than we do. So much love to you xx

  3. I’m so so sorry. What a lovely amazing man and I so wish he could have had years longer with you all. Decades even. It just feels so unfair and I just want to hug you all, even though I know that probably wouldn’t help. Lots of love to you Becky xx

  4. Becky, this is perfect.
    I can’t get over the fact that it was only two weeks ago today that Chris was taking the piss out of us all and telling a shit story about a dog eating FIFA18!
    I am so, so sorry you didn’t have longer together, but I am so happy that you celebrated everything you could. xxx

  5. Becky, I have no words. I’ve read the comments so far and everyone has put things so well and I’ve been thinking of you over the last week. know you have our love and support xx

  6. So sorry for you loss I’ve followed your story’s and know the blogging world are all by your side. This his such a moving post x c

  7. Becky, my heartaches for you all. We all wanted Chris to be the exception, the one that gave cancer the middle finger. Even though we didn’t know him personally his story, your story touched so many and his memory will live on. Sending lots of love to you all xx

  8. I know there is nothing I can say to make things better for you right now, but it doesn’t feel right to read this and not leave a comment! Just know that I will pray for you and your children tonight and often; I will remember your lovely words long after reading them today. I will hold my children a little longer at bedtime and remember to make sure my husband knows how much I love him. Thank you for sharing this, I hope you find some comfort in knowing how much you have touched my heart.
    X

  9. Oh Becky I hoped with all my heart Chris would be an exception. He fought so hard, showing incredible strength and humour along the way, as did you. It sounds like you organised the most amazing send off for him yesterday and I’m sure he was watching it all from above. He would be so very proud of you Mrs, you are quite something. This is such a beautifully written post, burnt tuna pasta sounds delightful xxx

  10. Becky – I think we’ve followed each other on social media for quite a while. It’s the thing you do when you’re both bloggers, right? But only in the last few months did I really read yours and Chris story. As an outsider catching up the one thing that burns the brightest through every single post – utter devotion. A connection that is magical and as I type this, not personally knowing either of you – let it be known that this to me is your wonderful amazing relationship. I could write something about how grieving but honestly? What would be the point. You don’t want to read my comment – you want him. You will always want him. I just hope your blog in time will be able to take you back to those beautiful moments you’ve shared and that they offer some tiny bit of comfort. I’m glad he’s no longer in pain and hope in time you three all aren’t in such pain too xxxx

  11. Dear Becky , I’m sat crying reading this, even though I think the last time I spoke to chris was when we were 16 he was one of those lads you would never forget, gobby, loud, funny, charismatic!! When I started following your posts, your blogs and Chris’s cancer journey it was via my brother who had shared a post from his friend – and I was like I Know Him! I couldn’t believe his story- your sTory- your fight, your pain but also your strength! It seems weird to avidly follow both your storys and think so hard about it all the time and pray so hard that he would be the exception , he would defy all odds, he would defeat this worse enemy anyone could ever have ! But he did , he fought more than anyone could have fought, stayed strong and positive and was a shining light for us all who were watching and hoping! I can’t imagine what you and your family have gone through and can’t imagine the pain chris was going thro – but he always had a smile to give and some positive word or comment or piss take even! I am so sorry for your loss , and I am so sorry chris had gone, but I also am glad that chris is no longer in pain. I wish that there could have been a better ending to this story! I am so sorry and my heart bleeds for you all. Just remember you had a love that most people would only ever dream of, to laugh like you said you laughed and to be absolute and positively perfect for each other is a rare thing. Cherish that !
    Sending you love and hugs and strength x

  12. I really wanted Chris to be the exception too Becky. I’m sorry there wasn’t more time. An amazing man that much was obvious yo those of us who didn’t even know him. Much love to you all xx

  13. Your most beautiful post to date, darling Becky. It has really spoken to me on so many levels. He didn’t give up on you back then and you didn’t give up on him now. I am so sad and had just hoped this day would never come. But it has and I know you will hold Chris in your hearts as you carry on with your gorgeous children, with love and grace. Will be watching tonight. All love to you x

  14. You don’t know me, but I spoke to Chris a few times. I work for the holiday company who booked the villa in Spain. From the moment I spoke to Chris, his story touched me. You have all been in my mind ever since those calls.

    I’m so sad to read this, watching channel 4 now. My heart is with you and the children. I’m so so sorry for your loss.

  15. So sorry to read this. It sounds like you are soul mates. I say that in the present tense on purpose because I don’t think that’s about to change. He will be your soul mate forever. Sending love and thoughts, x

  16. So sorry for your loss Becky. I watched the TV programme and I’ve read some of your posts on Facebook and here, I’ve met Anna and was friends with her on facebook so had been reading posts she shared and I felt so sad when I saw the news of Chris’s passing. You will always have Chris in your heart and hope you can take some small comfort from that. Stay strong for your beautiful children xx

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