I wake.
Before the alarm.
Of course before the alarm
Now always before the alarm.
The sadness that took hold the day you left remains, ever-present
Lays heavy in my heart.
I take a deep breath
I go to the loo.
We get breakfast
Sam is going to nursery
Matt takes him ’cause I can’t leave the house this morning.
It’s picture day
He wears a new top with a rocket on it
A colourful space rocket that could take him into space.
I take a deep breath
I go to the loo.
I manage toast
No tea, can’t face tea
Can’t stomach it, anything
But I know I need to eat.
I take a deep breath
I go to the loo.
I get in the shower, wash my hair
Too early
Leaving myself too much time to get ready
You’d be proud.
There will be no last minute anything today.
Lily jumps in after me
We dry our hair, brush our teeth
We get dressed.
I had bought new dresses, none were right
I’ve chosen something I already had
Something you had already seen me in.
I take a deep breath
I go to the loo.
I check myself in the mirror
Twice
More than twice.
You’re not here to reassure me I look ok
Today I don’t hear, you look gorgeous Bec
Even in a bin bag.
I run the straighteners over my hair again
I take a deep breath
I go to the loo.
Sort out bits I need to remember to take
Lily faffs on her ipad
We’re ready, early
You’d be proud
I take a deep breath
We wait
For people to arrive
For time to pass
For you.
We get drinks
We embrace
We chat
We laugh
I nip to the loo
I take a deep breath
Then you’re here
I’ll never be ready for this
I hope today is the celebration you deserve
It’s not time for goodbyes from me
It can’t be
Not sure it ever will, I will never be able to say it.
I take a deep breath
Hold Lily’s hand
We have to leave
It’s time to leave
On time for a change
You would be proud
The door closes behind me
I take a deep breath
Now to face the world
For you.
Love you me you me.
Your way with words is incredible ……. Capturing your journey is so emotionally moving ……. All I can say is you are amazing and I hope you continue to find the strength from those thinking of you to get you through the darkest moments ……. There is always light xxxxxx
He would be so proud of you Becky xx
I hope it went well. Lots of love to you Becky. You do always look gorgeous x
Sending all my love XXX
So much love for you Becky x x
Sure you are doing him proud every day xxx
Im sure Chris is prouder than ever, he will always be with you and always in your heart. You truly are an inspiration.
Take care ❤❤
Lots of love Becky xx
You’re amazing, you have no idea how strong you are 💕
Sending you love and hugs.
Lots of love to you and your little ones. You’re an inspiration and Chris will be proud of you. Watching both of you made me stronger to battle the disease x
My heart goes out to you x
All the love xxx
I watched you on TV the other night, I want to say how brave you are but I know its not brave for you its surviving, being there for your babies, being brave for other people, missing somebody who was your world 💔 I lost somebody, somebody I loved so much it hurt to cancer. I work as a nurse on a children’s oncology unit in the North West, you’ll appreciate that my jobs a lovely job, that I make a difference everyday, I don’t cry often, I cried watching you and your lovely family on TV, thank you for sharing your memories and making people aware of how cancer effects families 💜 Thank you Becky xx