Your Thursday

I wake.

Before the alarm.

Of course before the alarm

Now always before the alarm.

The sadness that took hold the day you left remains, ever-present

Lays heavy in my heart.

I take a deep breath

I go to the loo.

We get breakfast

Sam is going to nursery

Matt takes him ’cause I can’t leave the house this morning.

It’s picture day

He wears a new top with a rocket on it

A colourful space rocket that could take him into space.

I take a deep breath

I go to the loo.

I manage toast

No tea, can’t face tea

Can’t stomach it, anything

But I know I need to eat.

I take a deep breath

I go to the loo.

I get in the shower, wash my hair

Too early

Leaving myself too much time to get ready

You’d be proud.

There will be no last minute anything today.

Lily jumps in after me

We dry our hair, brush our teeth

We get dressed.

I had bought new dresses, none were right

I’ve chosen something I already had

Something you had already seen me in.

I take a deep breath

I go to the loo.

I check myself in the mirror


More than twice.

You’re not here to reassure me I look ok

Today I don’t hear, you look gorgeous Bec

Even in a bin bag.

I run the straighteners over my hair again

I take a deep breath

I go to the loo.

Sort out bits I need to remember to take

Lily faffs on her ipad

We’re ready, early

You’d be proud

I take a deep breath

We wait

For people to arrive

For time to pass

For you.

We get drinks

We embrace

We chat

We laugh

I nip to the loo

I take a deep breath

Then you’re here

I’ll never be ready for this

I hope today is the celebration you deserve

It’s not time for goodbyes from me

It can’t be

Not sure it ever will, I will never be able to say it.

I take a deep breath

Hold Lily’s hand

We have to leave

It’s time to leave

On time for a change

You would be proud

The door closes behind me

I take a deep breath

Now to face the world

For you.

Posted by

30 something, married, mummy of one. Getting by on chocolate and laughter.

15 thoughts on “Your Thursday

    1. Your way with words is incredible ……. Capturing your journey is so emotionally moving ……. All I can say is you are amazing and I hope you continue to find the strength from those thinking of you to get you through the darkest moments ……. There is always light xxxxxx

  1. Im sure Chris is prouder than ever, he will always be with you and always in your heart. You truly are an inspiration.

    Take care ❤❤

  2. Lots of love to you and your little ones. You’re an inspiration and Chris will be proud of you. Watching both of you made me stronger to battle the disease x

  3. I watched you on TV the other night, I want to say how brave you are but I know its not brave for you its surviving, being there for your babies, being brave for other people, missing somebody who was your world 💔 I lost somebody, somebody I loved so much it hurt to cancer. I work as a nurse on a children’s oncology unit in the North West, you’ll appreciate that my jobs a lovely job, that I make a difference everyday, I don’t cry often, I cried watching you and your lovely family on TV, thank you for sharing your memories and making people aware of how cancer effects families 💜 Thank you Becky xx

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