Letters to Chris · Thoughts and More

Days Are Just Days

He asked how I was feeling, the doctor

I saw him ’cause I’m not ready to go back to work yet,

Can’t think about anything except surviving.

‘Sad’ I said, I feel sad.

All of the time.

Every waking moment.

It’s the only word I can find to use

It doesn’t even cover it,

Just doesn’t scratch the surface of the actual feeling.

It is heavy

The sadness.

Took root, making itself comfortable in the pit of my soul

The day you left.

Shattered my heart into a million little pieces

So even if, through time, it somehow heals

I can’t see how, without you here

It will never be whole

I will always be flawed

There will always be parts of it missing.

The further away I am from you

The more I miss you

The deeper the sadness burrows.

I think about you always.

All of the time.

Every thought is of you

What you would have said

What you would have thought

Whether you would have enjoyed something

Or moaned about how much I spent on Harry Potter crap in Primark.

I think about things you said

The things you did

The things we have done

What we didn’t get to do

I think about the things we laughed at

I want to tell you about what I see, or hear, that I know would have made you smile.

There isn’t a moment that passes I’m not thinking of you.

We talk about you often

I like it.

That people feel ok to mention you around me

I hope people don’t mind me mentioning you to them.

So you are remembered

It makes me feel like you’re never far away.

Time, always against us, keeps moving forward

The days pass by

Now they are just that,

Days.

With an overwhelming feeling of sadness at their core.

With good moments

And bad moments

Now just days.

I am managing to wake up, get through the day, get out, see people, relatively unscathed.

I worried at first I was too ok, because I was handling all of this

I’m not ok.

I don’t know how I should be

As a widow

I smile, because in that moment, I feel happiness

I laugh, because in that moment, something is funny

Nothing is as funny without you to share the laughter.

I cry, ’cause I can’t ask you how not to burn the chicken again.

It’s new to me

This juggle of emotions

The anxiety I’m not doing this right

Even though I know there is no wrong.

Some days I’m so tired from doing,

From just being

I fall asleep not long after the kids.

Other days sleep evades me, I see the early hours of tomorrow.

Time keeps moving forward

Days are just days.

With good moments

With bad moments

And sadness at their core.

10 thoughts on “Days Are Just Days

  1. Your blogs always make me cry not always in a sad way but it’s good you can talk to Chris and about him he will always be part of your lives and you need the children to know how much you cared about him I wish I could say things will get better maybe in the distant future but at this moment in time it’s memories that will help you to cope

  2. 😦 The sadness is so overwhelming at first. It doesn’t go away – it just gets more bearable to live with. You are doing so fabulously – your kids have had so many amazing smiles this week. You did that. Because you are ace amd you are doing this thing. Let the days go, time isn’t important right now and neither is work if your Doctor will sign you off. Go through the day to day and make sure everyone has clothes and food and hugs. Including yourself. I hope you have people to hug you when you need it most and you aren’t afraid to ask. Love and strength to you, always xxx

  3. Beautiful words, spoken so true from the heart. I actually saw you today Becky, you live near my mum…I promise I’m not a stalker 😂. I was driving and I couldn’t not miss you in your lovely bright yellow coat.
    I feel quite sad at the moment, I’ve got a lot going on and everything seems to be going wrong. But when I watch your vlogs, read this, and I see what you have been and are still going through you just inspire me. You have an amazing “keep going with your head down” outlook, with a positive attitude to match. Nobody would fault you or judge you for staying in bed all day everyday and crying none stop and I have no doubt that’s what you probably want to do at times and probably feel like your dying inside but you don’t you just keep going. Please keep writing your blogs, your so good at it, and you help woe is me people like me 😂🙈 Iin fact you’re bloody ace in general. X

  4. Hi Becky I love the way you blog you speak honestly and have a way with words . The love for your husband shines so strongly and it’s sad so very sad when you loose someone to Cancer I still haven’t recovered almost 2 years after seeing my Mum go through it . Your words will help someone , it helps me I can relate to your feelings it’s like nothing else . Sending you lots of caring thoughts Becky and your two lovely children xx Sam

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