Letters to Chris · Thoughts and More

Dreamland Visitor

You were in my dream

I dreamt of you.

You’re on my mind

In every thought

Always.

This was the first time you have appeared in my dreams

In dreamland.

I was surprised because it was recent you

In a wheelchair

With cancer you

Against time you.

I always expected to see pre all this shit you.

A time when our worries were silly and not worries at all

You weren’t in pain

You were happy

I was happy

We were happy

Laughing at some daft thing you’d said

Until the end.

You still died.

Of course you did, we’re not even lucky in dreams.

But it was different

Calmer

With less pain

With the heartbreak but less agony

Maybe ’cause I’m experiencing how the story plays out.

As with all nightmares, apart from the one I am living, I woke with a start.

I had a tough start to the week.

With more bad moments in days than good

Tiredness taking its toll on my mood

The usually dull constant sadness, felt throbbing where my heart should beat

The night before I dreamt of you I cried.

Sobbed, uncontrollably

It took me by surprise.

I have cried, I cry, but not like this

Not since the day you left me.

Believing I would never be able to stop

When I woke from my dream with you I felt, ok

Never good, or well, always just ok.

After days of feeling, not ok.

I realised I will always be learning

Balance

Of keeping busy and allowing myself to have moments of quiet

Of distraction and thinking

There is no right way to deal with this

But I need to find ways of helping myself

From drowning, from losing myself

I woke from you and the week changed

Just a little

So there was a bit more good in the days

Just enough

So I stayed afloat.

8 thoughts on “Dreamland Visitor

  1. You can do it missus. You are doing so well. No rush, no pressure, allow yourself this time to heal. You know sobbing is part of that, and always will be. I hope that this week is a better one for you. Love and strength to you, as always xxx

  2. You write so beautifully. I am in tears again reading your words.
    I think Chris is showing you that he’ll always be with you, when you need him. Just checking in. Bringing you some balance, when you feel like you’re falling.
    You’re doing amazingly. Be kind to yourself, lovely. X

  3. Morning Becky
    I cried reading this you write things I feel , you just take it as slow as you like . Keep talking cry if you need to cry theirs no time limit . You speak beautifully about your husband keep this going . Sending you a hug xxx

  4. Oh my lovely. Please keep staying afloat. Please reach out every time you feel you can’t. xx

  5. There is never a right or wrong way with such things…..just a we’ll see how this day goes! Keep doing amazing and just being you. I didnt know Chris and its along time since edgehill…but you were a beautiful person then and that is what will get you through. Xxx

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