You were in my dream
I dreamt of you.
You’re on my mind
In every thought
This was the first time you have appeared in my dreams
I was surprised because it was recent you
In a wheelchair
With cancer you
Against time you.
I always expected to see pre all this shit you.
A time when our worries were silly and not worries at all
You weren’t in pain
You were happy
I was happy
We were happy
Laughing at some daft thing you’d said
Until the end.
You still died.
Of course you did, we’re not even lucky in dreams.
But it was different
With less pain
With the heartbreak but less agony
Maybe ’cause I’m experiencing how the story plays out.
As with all nightmares, apart from the one I am living, I woke with a start.
I had a tough start to the week.
With more bad moments in days than good
Tiredness taking its toll on my mood
The usually dull constant sadness, felt throbbing where my heart should beat
The night before I dreamt of you I cried.
It took me by surprise.
I have cried, I cry, but not like this
Not since the day you left me.
Believing I would never be able to stop
When I woke from my dream with you I felt, ok
Never good, or well, always just ok.
After days of feeling, not ok.
I realised I will always be learning
Of keeping busy and allowing myself to have moments of quiet
Of distraction and thinking
There is no right way to deal with this
But I need to find ways of helping myself
From drowning, from losing myself
I woke from you and the week changed
Just a little
So there was a bit more good in the days
So I stayed afloat.